How have two days passed again?

How on earth have two days passed again since I last blogged? I don't know where the time is going just lately but I don't seem to get anything done except the necessary house things like washing, hoovering, cleaning, tidying, lardee dar. As for my writing and knitting and all my other things I love, barely getting done.

Yesterday the plan had been to go out with my little sister to town to look around with Angel. However with what happened on Tuesday with nearly fainting, I was very worried about it. I told her that I would get up in the morning and decide how I felt and let her know and that she could still come round if she wanted to. I was very worried about letting her down in any way because of the argument over a year ago, part of it was about that. About how I mess people around all the time, never stick to what I say I'm going to do and letting people down. I also didn't want it getting back to my mum how stupid and useless I was being. T text my sister initially to tell her I wasn't well and she appeared to be fine about it but I think she was a pissed a bit.

Yesterday morning I woke up and I wasn't up to it anyway, so I text her and told her and she said she would come over here anyway. My friend came to see me and the P turned up just after so I didn't get to see much of my friend. I was a little anxious about P being with us. I always get more anxious, about showing my weaknesses and my stupidness to her. I refused to take any lorazapam and I kept reminding myself that I was in my own home, I'm okay here, I'm safe and it took it down a bit. I managed to eat lunch and we got on fairly well although I can never shake the feeling that there is a chasm between us caused by mum that we can never close. We had a giggle and generally caught up and Angel showed off to her auntie what she's been missing not spending time with us as well as how clever and lovely and amazing she is, (of course I'm rather bias).

Today I woke up feeling faint....again and was really annoyed with it, but thankfully the sun was hidden behind a misty bank of cloud and it was less hot and a lot less bright because of that. I put on some dark jeans and a bright pink top, tied my hair up high like I mean't business and after waiting for a drunk to remove himself from my road I got Angel into her pushchair and I decided to go for a little walk and see how I felt. I was only intending to walk a little and that was all, maybe to the end of the next road along, but once I got to the bottom the weather seemed fair enough that I wanted to carry on. I'd had biscuits, a little porridge and some toast and a sugary drink before going out and I was keeping drinking and nibbling so I felt not great but okay. I walked to the post box, although I had nothing to post but Angel said she wanted to go that way, then we went through the park, again at Angel's request. We walked out onto the main road and I decided that it wasn't much further to go up to the doctors to get my prescription. I crossed the big main road and walked up there. The doctors was very hot but mostly empty thankfully so I could get the script and go. By the time we got back down to the chemist I was feeling very panicky and almost left actually getting the meds. I concentrated on filling out the forms then finding my prepayment card and then forced myself to go inside, thinking if I can't stay I can always ask to pick them up later. I handed them over and sat down with Angel, she wanted more snack so I put some more into her snack pot, then logged in my whereabouts on 4square and text a friend to distract myself. I was in a  bad way though, scratching and digging my nails into my wrist, bypassing the elastic bands. I almost bolted a few times. But I stopped and evaluated it, how am I feeling now? Panicky, not ill, I kept telling myself, and looked around, looking at the things the shop sold and what colours they were. They called me finally and  was still panicking but not as bad when I left the shop moments later. Instead of going the easy way home I decided despite the panic to go the long way along the main road and up through the park, past the post box and home.
By the time I got back I was okay and then my friend came round a very short while after we got back. Usually that would bother me, but it didn't at all. We sat talking and laughing and watched our little girls playing.

I was terrified of today because T was in a training course which meant he was over an hour away from home and out from 8 until half past 5, although it turned out to be gone 6 in the end because of traffic. I begged him not to go this morning but as soon as he said sorry and left the house, I knew I needed to get my act together for my Angel and I got going, sorted myself out and managed going out, looking after Angel, myself, the animals and doing all of the housework before T got home. Angel got to play with Phia and her other friend Sade. Overall I thought it was going to be horrid, but actually despite the hot weather we had a nice day.

I have no idea what I'm planning for tomorrow yet, I think I will just see how I feel in the morning. I'm thinking no big challenges like going into town, maybe just a walk or something, there is always a letter to post.