Last night I spent a while online looking for ideas for how to have my hair cut today. I went online and looked up some pictures then found some that I hadn't even considered but I fell in love with. I had intended to have my hair feathered onto my face but the damage to my hair was too extensive and I ended up having about 8 inches off. I'm a bit upset about having to lose so much but it needed doing, and it feels so much better now, feels in great condition, not one split end. I have had a completely different style to any that I've had before and I'm still getting used to it. A friend has told me this evening that I look completely different which is nice, i needed a change and I'm looking forward to growing it out more again and this time I'm starting from my hair being in far better condition.
Before the hairdresser came I was a bit of a nervous wreck, I'm not sure why but for the last 3-4 days I've been getting very low level nausea feeling, sometimes I get it when my hormones are out of sync or its that time of the month (it feels a lot like pregnancy nausea, which sets of my emetophobia and my PTSD) this time it isn't either of those unless it's IBS.
So anyway, I took lorazapam but because it was a physical feeling it didn't help it much, just helped me cope with it. I did think about cancelling but I really really wanted to get it done.
After the hairdresser had been I hoovered up then I was intending to use the lorazapam I had in my system to take Angel out to get some hair products or just at least a walk. But I didn't feel up to it. T came home from work early and he took us out in the car, I nearly didn't go, I got in the car sat there and almost decided it was too much and came back in the house. I stuck it out and got out of the car there and split up from T with Angel on mu own, even though I didn't feel well and I was very anxious.
My tummy still feels unhappy and I know if I'm like this tomorrow I won't get out again and then again and I will go backwards and stop being able to go out again. I need to lay down and do some relaxation, have a cup of tea which usually helps, take a colofac and cut myself. All of those might help. The need to hurt myself is growing again, it doesn't let up for long and I don't mind. I anticipate it.
What was supposed to be a very positive day has turned negative and although I'm happy with my new hair, I don't feel I have the confidence to go out and show it off or even wear it styled how I was shown to do it.
Oh yea and I have to see the mental health team at home on Friday morning alone without T. I intend to make a list with him of what we want to talk about but I just feel weak and if I'm like this then, I know I will let them walk all over me again and goodness knows what I'll admit to, and what they will want to do.
I'm ready for the fall.
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