Can't think of a name

I just got off the phone to T and a conversation which started happy and upbeat turned for me to depression by the end of it. I know T is distracted with his family all around him. That's fair enough, but I'm possessive and selfish and I just wanted one phone call with my husband alone. He didn't seem to be in the same mood as me, family around and tiredness from not being able to sleep due to badly trained dogs.

He went on to tell me that he won't be home until tomorrow 3.00pm at the earliest. When he was supposed to be leaving at 8.00am. His family are like that, they suck you in and its like a time warp. Plus his dad messes about a lot and causes delays and then there is the car which needs fixing AGAIN!

After that depressing bit of information, which I guess means more time for writing because I've been too depressed to do much today, he went on to tell me about how well behaved Angel has been all the time he's been there. That was lovely to hear about but it started getting me down when he told me he'd basically left her with family most of the day and she has taken to them so well and she hasn't mentioned me as far as I know. It reminded me that she is still young enough that if I left she wouldn't remember me, so I'd only be hurting T. He would be so much better off living near his family, they would help him out and look after Angel and she loves them all so much already. It reminded me that no matter how hard I try, I am never good enough. I never will be good enough. I lose my temper easy and shout a lot, I'm not very patient, I'm irritable and I'm fucked up in the head. I can never give her the normal life T and his family can give her. I don't fit in there, I've never fit in anywhere and when he is with them all it's like i already don't exist.

That probably isn't entirely fair on T but it's how I feel right now. My messed up head has stopped me from experiencing all of this with them, again. How many times do I have to watch people walk away and do the things I can't do without me while I sit and cry alone.

I thought I was seeing the world behind my wall, but I'm not there yet, not even close. I'll shut the curtains again. I wish I had gone, It would have been perfect pain.