Headlights

Last night I ended up sleeping downstairs I felt so unwell, thankfully I made myself a little nest so I was warm and felt safe. This morning I woke up dreading feeling ill still and unfortunately I still have the low level nausea coming and going.

I don't know what snapped in me when or where but I know for one reason or another I have gone downhill. T basically bullied me into getting two biscuits into me this morning, I just didn't feel like eating. He told me that he was going to work and I had to take Angel out for a walk, at least to the post box. He went out and I got us ready, slow because I only have a slow setting today. I felt numb and I kept thinking if I hurt myself before I go out I'll cope better. I was willing to hurt myself in just the next room to Angel which has always been something I wouldn't do unless I'm bad enough to not know what I'm doing. But I made myself go out before I could. I walked around with Angel in the stroller, to the post box, through the park and then back along the streets. The thoughts in my mind weren't I need to push myself to get better, or for Angel. My thoughts were I need to push myself to make myself hurt, to go through crap and torture and if I'm sick outside then it serves me right and I deserve it, almost hoping it would happen so I would feel the worst kind of thing I fear.

It was when we were nearly home that I released just how low I got and how much I needed to get home. I don't know what I was thinking or why but I walked out in front of a car, pushing Angel out of the way so it would hit me. Hoping it would hit me, but knowing it wouldn't be going quick enough to kill me and feeling disappointed about that. I don't know what made me come back to myself but I seemed to snap back and moved to where Angel was in safety. Thankfully we were nearly home and I got us back right away, knowing I would do it again and next time I might not move.

I have no idea what has made me so low but I know I'm not entirely safe right now. I also know that somewhere inside me I don't really want to leave. I love Angel and T and I want to stay with them. It's just finding that through the darkness that's gathered. All I can think about it cutting myself. I know I need to tell T but I don't want him to know how weak I am. It took enough confidence to write it on here.

The more I snap and shout at Angel the more angry I feel at myself and the more angry I get the more snappy I get. I keep making her cry and the only person I want to make cry is me. I don' deserve her or T.