I took my meds that make me fall asleep over 2 hours ago now, and I guess it's a form of punishment that I've made myself stay awake this long. Pushing onward to advertise things on Ebay to make at least a little money.
The punishment is for being unable to earn money, not being able to look after my family. For being everything I wished to be and still being a failure.
I;m glad my eyes burn, I'm glad my back aches, I'm glad my stomach is rumbling and cramping, it reminds my body that I am in control and I can hurt myself however I want to. I am mine and I will never get away from myself and no one can save that little lost girl because I am in control and I'm a fucked up nasty person. I lock her inside because I'm not good enough to be freed. I'm on my own, my baby sleeps, my husband sleeps, and I sit here pulling the pennies together because I can't even do something as simple as earn money. I will never get a wage from what I enjoy doing, so I need to grow up and be an adult and stop following pointless childish dreams. I will get nowhere I am no one.
You are someone.
ReplyDeleteYou are Angel's Mum and that is probably THE most important job in the world, especially to Angel and T. Never underestimate the job you are doing there. You didn't have that for yourself but you ARE giving it to your daughter. I know you don't believe me but I have no reason to lie to you and nor does T, or any of your other friends.
You are also T's wife and I'm guessing you didn't force him to marry you?!! When I met with you both and when I see comments on facebook what comes across is a man who loves you very much and is proud of you and cherishes you. Again, he has no reason to fake this. :)
You are a fantastic friend. When I needed a place to stay, you offered me a place. You've sent me cards to brighten up my day all beautifully crafted by your own talent and creativity. You send texts to see how I am, you offer encouragement on the bad days and remind me how far I have come. We can laugh together, we can natter about chocolate and imagine playing on the wii zumba together. I feel priveledged to have met you.
I know right now you may not be able to make a lot of money but your life is so precious and one day you will be able to make that money. What is important right now is Angel, you and T. Things must be difficult with funds but that isn't your fault. You are doing the best you can.
You are loved, and I know you probably don't believe me but you are.
I can relate to punishing myself through not sleeping and the pain that that brings and the reminder that you are in control but the question is really, at that point, are YOU in control or is the self destruct button in control?
xxxx