Firstly apologies if this blog entry makes absolutely no sense, I'm on very low sleep and I'm not very well.
Last night I did some hypnotherapy sessions and had a long evening cuddled up with my husband watching True Blood. I didn't want to go to bed, knowing I'd be alone with Angel today and knowing I need to make an appointment at the dentist. Eventually we went up to bed at eleven but my body refused to let me go to sleep because of panic until gone one. So this morning was a real effort to wake up at 7. I ended up getting up and having a shower and coffee to get my mind going. Once I did get going I was okay, but it's really hitting me now; I think anyway. I've been fighting off a low level earache, sore throat, and cough for a few weeks now but they don't seem to get worse and they never seem to go either.
After I had gotten my butt moving this morning and managed to persuade Angel that we should go out and not stay in and annoy the guinea-pigs (or wheet wheets, so she calls them) all day. It was a little damp out so I put on Angel's weather suit and took mittens with me. Got everything ready to go and we left. The walk up to the post box was panicky. But once I got to the post box I wanted to go further, I was just terrified of doing so because my tummy wasn't feeling so good. Sometimes it's so hard to work out what is caused my the anxiety and what is real. But so often to play it safe, in case I am really ill, I tend to go home again, then I get back and am fine. So I posted the letter then we went into the little park which is almost always empty. I felt better in there because it was so quiet and the birds were singing. I pushed to go onto the main road, then walked along debating whether to cross over and go further, go to the shops I was aiming to go for. I was feeling icky and anxious but something in me made me go. I crossed over and didn't let myself think about going back until I got almost to the shops and my panic attack really hit me hard. I haven't had one that bad in a long long while. I ended up calling T and he talked me down a bit and suggested I take some aconite which I hadn't even thought of in my panic. I took some and we talked then I walked back around to the main road that the shops are on and set the goal of at least going into Gregg's despite the smell and the food, to get Angel some lunch. After that I felt a little more relaxed, The panic tried to come back as I crossed the road to go into the shop i needed but once I got inside, getting the bits I needed distracted me and I suspect the aconite and lorazapam started working together. I got what I wanted and then we walked back towards home, stopping off at a chemist to pick up some lucozade tablets to try and perk me up in the mornings. Its' worth a go. We then went back into the little park and sat down on a bench together to eat some lunch.
I got through the day by setting myself a to do list to work through and keeping at it, even if my depression tried to get me. I phones myself and made my dentist appointment for Thursday morning. Trying to hold back how I feel about that until nearer the time, things are hard enough.
Tomorrow I was supposed to be going out with a friend and her little girl. But with the way I am right now, I don't think I'm up to it. Today proves that i need to work harder again. I really really want to do these things but I think sometimes I get ahead of myself, wanting to do them so much I do when I'm not yet ready or capable of them.
Tomorrow I have at least the goal of getting to the doctors to pick up a prescription an getting it from the chemist. I would love to have a friend to do little things like that with but maybe I'm not ready for friends to accompany me yet :( Why am I so scared of being with an extra person, especially a friend that I trust and care for? I am scared that I will be sick in front of them and them think I'm ugly and disgusting for it. I won't let anyone even my husband see me like that, I don't want anyone to see me so fucked up like that. Again I'm wanting things before I'm ready for them I guess. I just miss being so close to someone its like sisters.
I'm going on and I need to get going to get something done before I pass out, which won't be long.
xxx
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