Here I go again, not knowing what to write but needing to get things out. Apologies for scattered thoughts and sentances, my tablets have also kicked in and are making me very tired, but I need to talk this out.
This evening my sister is staying over, it was a last minute thing that we decided because she's been feeling very depressed and needs some cheering up. I wasn't so nervous when she first got here, but couldn't eat very much. Once Angel was in bed I made the mistake of having a bit of a play with a hoola hoop I found earlier (finding it much much harder then I remember it being!) Then a skipping rope. I made the huge mistake that I haven't made since I was in school aged 12. I pushed myself too hard and ended up having a major panic attack, I got to the point I almost had to run to the bathroom, I could taste the taste in my mouth and I know if I hadn't been emetophobic and resistant then I would have been ill. My tummy still doesn't feel right and to top it off it's starting hurting a lot. I'm also getting chest pains, probably thanks to my irregular heart, which sometimes doesn't like me exercising too much. My lungs are still unhappy and I just feel stupid, for thinking I was having fun when I was fucking myself up so much.
P wants to go out tomorrow, swimming. But at the moment even getting out of the door is a challenge again.
I just realized sitting here writing that I meant to go out today, at least to the shop, but I haven't been out at all. I'm slipping and I'm slipping fast. My taste of freedom feels like it's coming to an end and I'm not even fighting it. I dropped from maybe as many as three lorazapam tablets a week (at most) down to not even half a week and it's hit me hard, that I can't do this without. I don't have the drive or the strength or courage. My sister called me brave tonight, which surprised me, because that is the last thing I would call myself.
Yes, I have dropped the lorazapam right down to barely anything, but I have also stopped going out again. I feel like I can't. After my attempt yesterday which made me panic a lot and feel very ill and now this today. I don't know, it could happen at any time, I'm never safe. It feels like I'm being chased down. Something will ill me because I'm not supposed to be here.
Tonight I found out that my nannies partner has cancer and it's inoperable. I have never been very close to him, but of course I care. Even though my mind whispers that I'm a sociopath, I'm sure I do care, because I do and not because I know I should. It gets so confusing. Who knows what is real and isn't. If, no when he dies, there will be the funeral. That means being there for my nanny, but having to be near my mum. Yes I am selfish enough to be thinking of myself. I hate the person who I am, the more I realize about myself the more I hate. My uncle (nannies son) is also in and out of hospital with his pancreas. He is a long story, so to cut it short, he is an alcoholic who turned to drink because of all his mental problems, he's had them all his life like me. His dad, my granddad, also had them, he committed suicide before I was born and then my other uncle S followed in his footsteps exactly when I was about 9. I remember not being aloud to go to his funeral. I remember the day we learned he'd taken his own life and remember how although I was upset because he had been close, I was pleased he no longer hurt, because even at 9 I knew hurt when it is on the inside and you can't run away from it, it is you, you are the fear. R my uncle who is unwell, has been trying to kill himself since S died. It shook him to the core and he wanted to join him, no wants to join him. R and I suffer very similar things and he has never shook them which makes me feel I won't. He has tried so many methods of dying and doesn't seem to succeed through one reason or another. He has found the final escape route by slowly and steadily killing himself with drink, and it's working.
I can't think straight, there are drunks outside the house, and I'm terrified of hearing them be ill, terrified I'll go outside in the morning and find it. Terrified of the germs all around me, the feeling of things inside me, getting me.
My urges have come back and laying here tonight, not wanting to sleep, or eat to kill the rumbly feeling in my tummy, I just want to give in. The song 'sleep well, my Angel' comes back to mind and my mood slips lower.
T has told me to take some lorazapam tomorrow so I can at least try to do something, but I'm terrified, I just want the lorazapam to take it all away and leave me free again. Tonight is a night for giving up.
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