This morning, I thought that my hardest task for the day was getting motivated to go out and push myself after my panic the last few days. It was difficult, I started it was a nice cool bath/shower with Angel and we spent some time playing in the water. Then we got ready to go out, I'd overestimated how many clothes Angel needed to wear for the weather and had to take a few back off her. Then we went out on foot, no more than a few steps around the corner and Angel announced she was too hot and wanted to go in her pushchair instead. So we came back and grabbed her pink stroller which meant I could also take Angel's bag and some bread for the ducks and potentially go a lot further than originally planned if I could get the panic under control. I was very anxious on the way up to the post box, but once we got there angel pointed towards the little park, I don't like to not indulge her preferences so despite my anxiety that went in that direction. The park was really hot because there is no shade there, but it smelled of summer and there were lots of birds around. I decided I didn't feel up to going as far as the big park so we threw out some bread for the birds and then carried on walking through the little park. When we got onto the main road I decided I felt up to walking along the canal and we head in that direction. Unfortinately we only got halfway there before I started to feel faint, so I turned to go back home knowing that I wasn't in a fit state to walk all the way along the canal in the hot sun with my blood pressure dropping with the heat.
I managed to get home without fainting but only just and when I got home I wasn't able to walk anymore and had to sit down for a while. I decided that with how bad it was, and I have always suffered with low blood pressure before but this was a lot worse, that I should e-mail my doctor. I decided to ask him about the lorazapam dosage too. He e-mailed me back right away and he said that there isn't anything he can do for the low blood pressure, and that it's low blood pressure and low blood sugar and I will just be very prone to fainting and that I HAVE to keep eating to keep my sugar levels up. He said I need to take snacks out with me and basically keep topped up. Well I don't usually eat when I'm going out, so I doubt I'll do that. I kinda knew that something would come along to knock me back down. If it wasn't mental it would be physical, and here it is. Even just standing outside watching Angel play ended up with me having to sit down or fall down.
As for the lorazapam, he said that I can't OD on it, so he is't worried about that, however he recommend that I lower my dosage and stop taking it all together as soon as I'm comfortable with it. Well I won't ever be. But I don't see the problem there have been people on it far longer than I have been and on much much higher dosages and through several pregnancies. i'm on barely anything compared to the vast majority of people.
Now I'm sitting listening to my little girl singing while she is supposed to be sleeping and hoping I can get at least a little work done. I am sitting in the coolest room of the house and keeping my temp down, but I'm too scared too eat too much so I guess energy tablets it is.
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