I didn't get around to writing a bog last night and part of that was I was worried if I wrote some stuff then I would jinx myself and I wouldn't have been able to cope.
My goal was to go to the post box yesterday, I'd taken lorazapam the day before and I knew I would have to take some today to get to the dentist so I didn't touch any yesterday, despite the fact that Angel had been sick the night before as well. I got her ready and gave her a plain breakfast, deciding that although I really didn't think it was a bug I would play it safe for that day just to cover all areas. Got her into her little stroller and we went up to the post box, then she asked me if we could go through the park so we did, then out onto the road again and looped all the way back round several reads for a longer walk than planned. I didn't feel anxious really at all, and I think I would have gone further if I wasn't worried about Angel and being followed by a very odd man. At home we played in the sand pit for a while then my friend K text me to ask if we would like some visitors for a while. I'd eaten some chocolate cake which is a high risk food for me as well as some other stuff and usually I would have said no, but I felt calm and relaxed enough and enjoy their company. I actually felt excited and text back right away. They came over and we met them outside. We had a lovely time chatting and it seemed all too soon that they had to go. Before they left K offered to have Angel for us today when we went to the dentist and usually I would say no. But I trust them completely, I know Angel is safe and there is minimum risk of her catching anything. I said yes and felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders because I hate Angel having to see me in such a bad way. I'd wanted to ask myself but I was too afraid, thinking it would be like me being a crap mum and casting her off onto people and when I told T that K was going to have her I felt really bad about it, but it was my mum in my mind, telling me I was bad. There is nothing wrong with leaving my daughter with people I trust who love her to bits while I go and do something difficult.
Last night I got everything ready for today, knowing that my appointment was 9.20 and I'd need to get there with plenty of time to spare to stay calm. However, even last night I didn't feel any where near as panicky as usual about having to go. It felt like a necessity that I needed to to and get out of the way so I could carry on with my day. By the time it was time to go to sleep, I still wasn't anxious and the lack of anxiety was making me a little confused. I just ignored it all and went to sleep, setting my alarm for very early so I could have enough time to panic and take my meds and attempt to eat.
When I woke up I wasn't very hungry really, I had a few biscuits, my meds, some energy tablets to get me going and some aconite. I helped give Angel breakfast, got myself up and dressed and fed the animals. Then we went out, dropping Angel at Phia and K's house and then driving to the dentist surgery. The car-park was too full to fit and usually I would have had a major panic but I remained calm and told T to drive around the block and come back and there might be a space there. There was a space when we got back, but it was right up at the top end of the car-park, usually, the car being so far away from the entrance would bother me, make me more anxious- It didn't. Usually I sit in the car for over half an hour, panicking, worrying, trying to work out how I feel, whether it is panic feelings in my tummy or I'm really ill. I looked at the clock and realized it was about five mins to my appointment an just said "Shall we go in?" you should have seen T's face, I think he thought I was joking. We got out of the car and I wasn't too concerned about having the keys but T gave them to me anyway to make it easier for him. We went inside and I told the receptionist who I was and I was there for an appointment. My waiting room is upstairs and I have been unable to wait in that room or even go up the main spiral staircase in maybe 4 years. I glanced at the stairs we usually end up standing on while I panic and then at the spiral staircase. "Do you want to go to the waiting room?" T asked me, looking astounded. I nodded and we went up the spiral staircase, I kept in my mind that if I got panicky I could very easily walk down the corridor to the stairs we usually stand on. I sat there, like a totally normal person. I was holding my special rose quartz in my hand and it was helping me to stay calm. I explored how it felt in my hands and looked at the soft shads of pink. I chatted to T and I didn't panic. I felt a little anxious but I didn't have a panic attack. I was called and I grabbed my bag and with my crystal in my hand walked down to the end of the corridor to my dentists room, walking in for the first time in too long for me to remember with a smile on my face and a relaxed stance. I told him I was there for a check-up and that there were a few teeth that specifically needed checking, knowing that one might need taking out and there was one that needed a filling too. I lay back, keeping a bottle of water to hand but leaving my bag with all my safety things in with T on the other side of the room. I didn't drink any of the drink, I lay back opened my mouth and relaxed into the chair, the only time not on sedation when I have relaxed there. I counted the ceiling tiles and listened to the radio which they had on low and didn't even flinch when he started to fill my tooth. I asked for my prescription and he told he everything else is okay and we left, still smiling.
While K had Angel I asked T whether we should pop to get the shopping to free us up for the weekend for doing fun things. We went to the largest supermarket near us, the one with the library inside and I walked round the whole shop with T getting the shopping and chatting away (and sliding down some of the empty isles). I saw some dark red roses and they reminded me of K so I got some for her and some of her fave ; dib-dabs and got Phia some lollies. From there we went to the library and got some new books for Angel and T then we went out to the car. We decided to pop back out and get a subway for lunch. It was the first time I'd actually ordered my own sub and then we sat in the car eating a bit before we left to get Angel. Although sitting there we remembered that 'd handed in my prescription but we hadn't picked it up. I'd literally just eaten but I got out of the car and went back inside the now busy shop, right to the back to stand and talk to the woman about my prescription and picking it up. I walked back out just as calmly and couldn't believe I'd done all of that after eating! and not 'safe' food as far and my mind is concerned.
By the time we got to picking Angel up I was flagging pretty hard and almost fell asleep in K's house. We came home and I got Angel ready for her sleep, finding I was so tired it was hard to walk or focus on anything. Finally I got her into the cot, came downstairs and collapsed onto the sofa with a blanket. Must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, however Angel spent her nap time moaning and crying and niggling which meant I did't sleep more than about twenty disturbed minutes. I forced myself up and took some energy tablets then got her up. I was a little moody at first but I decided to have a shower and bath joint thingie with Angel, she loves doing that and it would help perk us both up. It did the trick and we both were happy and unpacking the shopping while I was drinking coffee when T came home a while later. T and Angel played with playdoh while I sat sipping coffee and willing my mind to work. Then Angel decided she wanted to play outside and met her friend S out there. I got in some things from the car and then joined in with them playing with balls and pushchairs and I perked right up. I then had a thought which I share with T.
I haven't been out in the afternoon past lunch time for about 4 years, and when I did before that I would starve myself all day for it. I told T to get the stroller and he pushed that while I took Angel's hand and we walked up to the post box, in the evening, even though I'd eaten and not long drank lots of coffee. I thought I'd feel anxious but the anxiety was so low it barely counts as anxiety compared to how I usually feel. I know my meds had stopped working so it was all me. We went even further than the post box, through the park and out onto the busy rush hour main road and then looped around to head back home, only because we were hungry and it was Angel's bed time, I felt like I could have done far more.
My friend text me today, I'm not sure I have shared much about him on my blog before. KR and I have known each other from the day he was born, exactly 5 weeks after i was. We grew up very close, basically brought up together as our mums were best friends. Until his mum had another and then eventually my mum had my sister. By that point KR and I were older and not as close, because school drives different sex friends apart. We mainly saw each other in the holidays and birthdays from secondary school on. I always have a crush on him, and I didn't realize but he also had a crush on me. We used to kind of flirt but it was hard to tell what was just sibling closeness and actual flirting. When I was 14 I left school because of how ill I'd gotten and he stayed there and we drifted apart more. I used to go over there to watch him play his Playstation, although really I was watching him and would make any excuse to sit right next to him, things like that.
When I was 16 I got my first proper boyfriend, I wanted KR but I was convinced he didn't want me and I was too scared to ask outright and he was way to scared and shy to speak out. I got engaged at 17 then it all broke off and not long after I met another guy, that didn't last more than a month (probably rebound relationship, although he liked to use me which I hated). I'd moved out of home by then and into a house with suitor number 2 and another man who was the landlord. I'd met T by this point but online only, I was too scared to meet him in person and at the time he had hurt his back.
In July we finally met up for out date and it was love at first sight. I'd never felt anything like the kisses he gave and from that day on wards we have never been apart for more than a few nights at a time and I was moved in with him after only two months of being together. I'm happy to answer questions about that and one day go into more detail but for now back to KR; We started getting in touch a bit more and texting all the time and he admitted he has always loved me and will wait for me all his life. I still love him, but it is a totally different love to T but that doesn't mean I'm not tempted to see what it would feel like to kiss KR.
Anyway again (getting off side tracked). He has been very depressed for the last few weeks, he gets bouts of it anyway but this has been loads worse, he keeps going to tell me what is the cause of it, but he stops himself at the last minute and I suspect it is this thing between us still, or maybe I'm being too focused on myself. Last week when I was extremely down, so was he and we were texting lots. Today he text me to ask me if I am busy tomorrow and if he can come and spend the day with me, he doesn't care what we do but he just needs to try to be happy. I agreed to it and I admit I'm a little worried but also excited, it will be nice having him round for the day. I so miss him, he makes me laugh so much. It isn't definite yet, just a maybe but he seems very keen on sharing the day with me and Angel.
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