Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

This morning some people from the mental health team were supposed to be coming around. I didn't want them here, I didn't want to have to deal with their crap and I was nervous about it. However I was planning to have the meet up and go out for a walk to the postbox with Angel before they got here.

A man called an hour before they were supposed to be arriving and told me that they weren't coming anymore because the lady that was supposed to be coming out called in ill today. I was relieved, with my mood being as low as it is, I didn't want to deal with their pigeon holing or their shitty 'attempt' at helping me. FFing helping me, yeah right everything I have ever achieved has been off my own back. All the professionals are there for are to prescribe me meds and try to fuck me up further it seems. So yeah, I was relieved.

I took some lorazapam, realizing that this is the best opportunity to go out before it gets too late. I set myself the goal of going up to the postbox and taking it from there. Although in the back of my mind I set the goal of going a lot further.

I got ready and had to persuade Angel to come out with me, she was quite happily settled in the dining room at the table typing on Daddies keyboard. We finally got out the door and left T at home working. I got up to the postbox, taking the most direct route to save me plenty of time for going further. I then walked through my little park and out onto the main road where it was quite busy. The sun kept popping in and out which was nice, and Angel was happily munching away on her fruit snack. I got up to the post office and rang T to ask what stamps he wanted from there. I think he was surprised that I had walked up there let alone I was asking what he needed me to go in and get for him. I went in, stayed calm and brought the stamps he needed.

I didn't even consider going back home at this point. I continued onward, over the bridge and along the very long road, mostly just topping Angel's snacks up and enjoying walking outside in the air and occasional sun.
It took about half an hour to get to the shops I wanted to reach and I felt a little tired after only eating two biscuits and a sip of coffee for breakfast. When we got into the shop I slowed down and worked my way through some plain crisps to get a little more energy. T was very very surprised when I rang to ask him about rabbit hutches and told him where I was. He came to the shop to join us but in the time it took for him to drive there Angel was beginning to act up in hunger. So I did something I have NEVER done before on my own. I took her into the supermarket cafe, brought her some lunch, got her out of the stroller and into the highchair and gave her lunch in public - without feeling anxious. T came and found us about ten minutes after we'd sat down and he looks surprised to see me sitting so calm in the cafe, nibbling Angel's lunch and talking away to our daughter.

I suggested that I go off around the supermarket and get the food things we needed to hold us over until our next big shop, while T stayed with Angel and tried to get her to eat. He agreed and I went off with a basket, wondering around and grabbing what we needed. I then used the self checkout and went back into the resteraunt. T left me with Angel while he went to order his food and I finished off the half a sandwich Angel didn't want. I even ate yellow sweetcorn in the sandwich without worrying about it. T then came back over to the table with a bowl of chips, a panini, a HUGE cappuccino to share and a large vanilla milkshake. I acted like a totally normal human person thing. I sipped the hot coffee and dipped my finger into the chocolate sprinkles on the top to suck the off my finger. I ate chips, dipped in sauce, like a normal person and I drank lots of milkshake (I have a bit of a sore throat so it was lovely and soothing). Angel didn't end up eating much but I surprised us all by eating as much as I did and with no anxiety about it, even travelling home.

So the going out was an overall win today, although I was on 3/4 lorazapam. I keep getting told that I'm being to hard on myself and that it isn't just down to the lorazapam while I'm able to do things like today. And I have to agree that I could feel the push to go and do it was me, the desire to was me. But the actually being able to do it, to stay calm and be 'normal' wasn't.

I was going to write a lot more but I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I apologize to all those that might feel I'm pushing away at the moment.



'Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.'