Last day of the holiday

Today was the last day that T has off work for a while, probably until Angel's birthday. 


The plan was for us to go to a different town centre which we hadn't been too since a few years before Angel was born. It's a major tourist trap so even on a normal weekday it is pretty bustling with coach loads of people and locals (who tend to be a little snobby). 


I took half a lorazapam in the morning first thing, I would usually take a whole one or more for such a huge challenge but I only had half to hand and thought that if I got too panicky I could always take more. I decided to have a small scotch pancake for breakfast with lemon curd for the sugar to get my blood sugar going without having to eat too much. What I didn't consider though was that I ate it hot and just after taking lorazapam, it wasn't long before I felt very drowsy. We traveled there and I was fine,texting a friend and feeling too tired to be panicky. We parked in one of the multistory car-parks at the bottom and walked out straight into the high street where coach loads of people were un boarding and grouping together. We looked around some shops and I ended up getting some lovely nom nommy toffee coffee which is yummy and T has given me his old coffee making machine now he has his new aero-press so I have my own big sexy coffee machine and new scrumptious coffee to make in it :) this makes me happy- and a little sugar and caffeine hyped. T got some new tea's for himself and we brought some lemon and lime tea which you make like powdered juice and serve cold, Angel loved the sample and demanded more. (there is no caffeine so we got her some). Lovely summer drink with ice-cubes and slices of lemon or/and lime. Getting thirsty now....


We also brought me some amulets, in the Pagan shop they have there, to help with my self confidence and inner strength. We also got some crystals and I got some worry dolls from the same shop, it smelled lovely in there and the atmosphere was relaxed and safe, could have stayed there ages. 


I walked around feeling a little on edge but able to go into the shops and was mostly in a drowsy daze. I kept nibbling and thought I was okay but for some reason as soon as we went to get some food, I freaked out. I haven't done that in a long long time, yes food makes me worry a little more, but it doesn't usually send me n a complete tizzy fit anymore. I sat in the quiet part of the resteraunt while T went round the corner and out of sight to get our lunch. I sat talking to Angel and sipping my drink, but I couldn't stop panicking especially when people kept walking past us and then a man sat down right next to us. I wasn't coping and I think T could see, as soon as he came towards us his expression just softened and he looked almost sorry for me, not a look I see on him often. But then I was sitting there in the edge of the seat, with my nails digging into my arms while my lips where white and my face just as pale. 


We left the shop and walked at a very fast pace back towards the car, realizing it was a lot further away that we thought it was. I kept thinking; there is nowhere safe, if I'm ill now, everyone will see, everyone will be disgusted with me. I'm disgusting, I can't let people see me like that. On and on inside my mind the words played over and over, the pictures played on a loop and I just bypassed the elastic bands and went straight to my skin again. 


By the time we managed to get back to the car, I could barely hold myself up anymore and was feeling very confused. I couldn't even open the car door to get inside and when I did I opened it on myself and almost fell over. T got me and Angel in the car and got me starting to eat, it was my blood sugar that had dropped that had me confused and close to collapse again, with some help from my blood pressure and a lot of help from my panic. After I'd eaten a little I just wanted to go home and I almost fell asleep on the way back, which isn't like me unless I'm on sedatives. 


Over all though before the panic and all that I did have a nice time and the fact that I hadn't eaten or drank nearly as much as I obviously needed to was probably a big part of the problem. 


In the afternoon I had some lunch and recovered and managed to get some work done while Angel had her nap. This evening I was beginning to feel a little depressed again and suspected it had something to do with the fact that T goes back to work tomorrow and I am with Angel alone. All she wants right now is daddy and I'm terrified that she will just cry for him and not want me. Terrified that it will be hard like it used to be, when every hour felt like it dragged for days and I counted down until I wouldn't be alone any more. 


I decided to have a bath with pink water and confetti. I used a face mask, a hot oil hair mask and some after wash stuff to help the condition of my hair too. I very rarely have any time like that but I felt like I needed some sort of a cleansing tonight. 


Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling confident and even if Angel and I only manage to walk up to the post box and maybe Daisy park it will be something. Starting at low goals and working up after being with T for so long and not having to cope on my own and with having been away and finding things generally easier there. 


I had better get some sleep and hope that Angel behaves tomorrow and that I can cope and that I manage to get out. I'm kind of in a weak phase at the moment where I don't want to push myself but I guess that means I need to push harder. I can't help but feel that I'm doing it all for nothing in the long run though. When the big bad comes along, and it will at some point... what then? 

A rainy day

Today has been a very rainy day. Angel, T and I were supposed to be going out to help with a big clean up of the area which my friend had organised. T woke me up much earlier than I usually manage to wake up for, telling me that his knees were very painful and he needed me to get up and help. I reluctantly but valiantly dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to wake up. I was downstairs, putting washing on, making coffee and breakfast for everyone not fifteen minutes later. With T's knees being so bad he wasn't up to helping out on the clean-up and I wasn't feeling brave enough to go alone and felt like I was letting my friend down, but she was thankfully okay with it. 


The rain thrashed down throughout a lot of the day so Angel and I didn't end up going out anywhere apart from to the shop to pick up some batches and some press-studs (I know, weird combo). I'd eaten before we went to the shop but I kept calm and managed it fine. 


Angel was being a terror at lunch time and refusing to eat. She then began to purposely ignore me and I lost my temper and went upstairs to clean everything I could find while T looked after Angel while he worked. I cleaned Angel's floor, changed her bed, cleaned the tank in her room and the filter, cleaned out the tanks in our room and their filters, polished the surfaces, tidied up books and blankets and set up the cot for Angel's nap. I don't know why but I keep feeling the need to clean, which I guess is better then self-harming, although it burns far more calories. 

The last thing I wanted to write about was my reoccurring ghost dream. ***Weirdo alert*** I've always seen things not many other people can -that's another story - but when I was at primary school late one night when I'd stayed back to help out with some things for a concert or group and walking past one of the classrooms, I spotted a girl standing near one of the desks, looking towards me. I backed up and took another look, to find there was no one there. After the first time I saw her, I saw her around the same area, near the swimming pool and in the changing rooms and classrooms next to them various times. I always felt prickly and very aware when I was in that area of the school. I hadn't really thought about it after I left over 12 years ago but then two nights ago I dreamt of the little girl standing in the corridor near the swimming pool, staring at me, I was walking past with a friend and she was just watching out into the pool area. I realised that she'd tempted a child into the pool and he was drowning under the pool cover, unable to get out and he wasn't the first one she'd killed. Time snapped again and I was standing there alone and there was no one drowning but I knew she was still there. From somewhere, the knowledge that she'd been killed by a teacher and either buried under the where the swimming pool was built or drowned in the pool not long after it was built came to my mind and the teachers image who I recognized right away, the same teacher having pushed me under the water in the pool for a few seconds in punishment for talking. 


The dream was very vivid but because I'd had emetophobic dreams that night as well, I hadn't really thought much of it, only it was a little odd and out of the blue.


Last night, I had the same dream except this time T was there and a few more friends and we were looking for the girl. She only appeared when I was left alone and I felt very edgy and fearful again. I've not been able to get the vivid pictures out of my head today, I have no idea why, but even during my editing and my time with Angel, I kept finding myself back there again, standing with the little girl, looking out of the window at the pool, feeling on edge and scared. 


It's very odd and I'm hoping that tonight, the same dream won't happen again, I'm already feeling a dragging feeling pulling me towards the school and if it was possible I know I'd be visiting there right now. I'm not thinking anything into it right now, only how strange it is and jumping at every shadow. 

Normality is returning

T and Angel are on their way home. It was touch and go whether they would be able to get back today because of the car being messed up still. It went from them leaving at 8 in the morning to 1 in the afternoon, to 3 in the afternoon then to 5. Finally they got the car sorted and got away. 


I made it through the night last night, by some miracle, not hurting myself at all. I slept with three blades by me but I didn't use any of them. Thankfully my relaxation program got me to sleep and when I woke up this morning I felt a lot better. I've been fighting the depression all day but thankfully now the self-harming thoughts are coming back, T and Angel will be home in the next few hours. 


It feels like so much longer than the last 4 days that I haven't seem them for. Sounds silly but what if I have forgotten the routine? What if I forgot how to look after her properly? forgotten how to hold my temper?What if she's changed? If she doesn't want me anymore. She hasn't been asking for me. 


My mind is in a torturous place at the moment anyway due to the chapters in my novel that I've gotten to and how depressing they are for the characters, especially the one I can relate to a lot. Thankfully another character will be coming back into it from my previous two books and he I like to be able to relate to. He's energetic and happy and bouncy and a lot like I used to be in my hyper phases. I miss my hyper phases. 


I havn't been out today and I know that is bad of me, the deal with T was for me to at least go outside the door past the street everyday. It might mean I've gone a little backwards again. Unfortunately for some reason right now I can't find it in myself to care; something I'll regret pretty soon.