Today has been spend stuck in the house. I cancelled seeing my friend KR so that we could go out as a family to town or something but when I got up I was feeling very dizzy and my ears were painful and felt swollen. I was so annoyed that I couldn't even walk, I ended up stuck on the sofa while T took Angel out. The weather was drizzly and humid and that made my blood pressure drop which made my blood sugar drop and I ended up having to crawl to go and find food to get them back up because I wasn't able to walk.
I finally started to feel a bit better just before T and Angel come home, but by which time my tummy was starting to feel iffy again like it was yesterday. It just felt very sensitive and unhappy and rumbly but at the same time not keen on eating. It's carried on feeling sensitive all day and I've barely eaten anything as a result, only my biscuits and small cup of coffee for breakfast, two chicken nuggets for lunch and a few fries and for dinner one nugget and a little milkshake to try and settle my tummy. Now I'm trying to nibble a few biscuits while I write because I need to take my first lot of meds and I can't do that on an empty tummy otherwise it will be worse.
My tummy being sensitive and a few other things like breasts getting bigger, weight gain, sensitive to smells, dizzy, etc is pressing major buttons with my PTSD about being pregnant, I know it's not possible but I can't stop panicking about it anyway.
I rearranged KR to come round tomorrow instead but with how bad I've been feeling today I'm not at all convinced that I want him round tomorrow with me being on my own all day, I would much rather be alone with Angel and have the choice whether to go out or not. If KR comes round then we will be stuck in all day because he can't walk yet. It sounds awful and selfish but I would prefer to have my options open. I just know he's going to hate me letting him down, I'm so good at letting people down, that's why they leave me.
I'm putting off telling him that I'm not very well. Thinking I might feel better but having nearly fallen down the stairs with my dizziness not long ago and having to take another tablet to sort me out, I'm not sure I want loads of panic attacks too.
I've been thinking about my mum quite a bit today, about how it would feel to be banned from seeing Angel when she's older, about how it would feel to be banned from seeing my granddaughter. About how I'm hurting her everyday. I'm in denial about everything today to do with her, but at the same time, I'm terrified of her. All she did was bring me up and loo after me and be my mum, that's what I'm trying to do for Angel. And when I get onto her account and look at everything she never talks about me on there, never even bitches or moans about me, I need to see that, I need to see that I'm bad for hurting her.
I'm really battling with myself right now, with what I should do, for me and for other people.
I'm even struggling to get how I feel down in words at the moment, so I think I'm going to go and have a shower and a think then carry on. I had lots I wanted to write about but all I want to do now is cry. My mood has been up and down like a flaming roller coaster the last few days and I'm just so tired and worn out by the changes all the time, and fighting the urges to self-harm.
This blog was made so I could be honest and vent and right now I need to be honest about something, something that I'm not ready to tell T about. When I used to self-harm years ago and it was one of the only things I lived for, one of the only things I enjoyed, I used to have a set of blades that I brought and kept especially for that purpose. About a year ago I brought another set, I'd like to say I brought them for the purpose they were intended for but I didn't. I've barely used them apart from my craft work, but I do keep one special one. When I was in the self-harm state at my parents house I used to get up in the morning and go in the shower where I stored some of my blades under my bottles of shampoo and body wash which no one else touched. I used to hurt myself in there, I liked to watch the blood leave me and flow away with the water. I could get deeper and still see what I was doing and it stung far more. At one point during the time me and T have been together I tried it here but he found the blade and removed it. Now I have come up with a new place to hide it. A place no one will look. I haven't used it yet and I ope I'm not going to, I don't have the urge right now, but the way my moods have been going, one minute I'm happy and have no urges and the next I'm so low I start pushing people away and considering killing myself.
I think that being stuck in Friday, yesterday and now today is pressing buttons with me too. I feel like I'm missing out and I'm incapable of going out and doing things. I did walk to the post box this afternoon, but I was alone and although I'd nibbled food, I hadn't had much. I didn't really panic even though it was the time everyone comes out of school so it was busy everywhere. There was a time that I couldn't even contemplate doing that without panic, so I'm grateful for being able to for once and I would really like to go out tomorrow.
For now while my mind is going in circles, I'm going to go and have a shower and try to prepare myself for having Angel on my own while T works tomorrow and work out whether to go ahead with KR or not. I know what I'm swaying towards.
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