Limbo

It's been days since I last blogged and there has been a mixture of things happening, some good but mostly bad.

Wednesday morning after my last entry I had planned to be going to the post office with K, A and Phia. They arrived on time but I was feeling a little out if it. I'd had breakfast so I didn't think much on it. Until the shakes started. I couldn't stop shaking all over, my vision got blurry, I was weak, dizzy, and drowsy, and scarest of all; I was confused. I knew it was my blood sugar and had an energy sweet and some crisps but it didn't improve, it only got worse. I couldn't find my blood testing kit and then when I did it wasn't working. K rushed out to get me some new year strips and made sure I had sugar and carbs. I was starting to feel better again and K took Angel to their house and sent my parcel and letters. I ended up out of it for most of the day.

Thursday, (yesterday), the day started off a lot better. K, A and Phia came to pick up some pages id printed out and asked if id like to walk up to the post office with them. I was feeling panicky but decided I would, suprising myself. I felt quite panicked all the way there and kept thinking of turning back but K was chatting away to me and kept me distracted enough to cope. The worst panic attack was in the post office but I stayed and waited it out, knowing that as soon as we were walking back again id be okay and start to calm down again. I did calm down on the way back and although they offered to come to mine I decided that I'd had enough if ny house and took a leap od faith in myself and went back to their house. I was fine, no panic, no meds. I ate and drank and the girls played. I thought Phia seemed a little quiet but thought nothing of it. Angel and I then went home for lunch.

Later on K told me that Phia had been sick in the afternoon.  It's odd, sometimes I have no reaction and I'm okay and sometimes I freak out. It wasn't K telling me, it was just the pictures in my head and the fear. I closed down. I just unintentionally shut off. My brain got stuck on a loop, 'im going to get ill' even though K had told us that it wasn't a sickness bug and the sane part of my mind understood that. I took off all my jewellery, all of my fave clothes and went into protection mode. I couldn't talk, I responded to Angel but that was all and while she napped and after she went to bed I just closed off from everyone and everything. I didnt intend to live through the night. T knew and I can only begin to imagine how it must have felt to know that his wife, his soulmate might not be alive when he goes downstairs in the morning. Not knowing whether he would find me dead or alive. I hate that I put  him through that. I hate it and yet I can't promise it wont happen again, if something on TV sets me off thinking or someone says something or I see someone get ill in the street.

I'm not proud of how I treated K either. I just shut off which means I stopped communicating which left hee worrying I'd fallen out with her or it was her fault. I did manage to bring my mind back enough to text her before I Sedated myself and went to sleep but by then the harm was done.

This morning I woke up to a nasty sore throat, cough, headache, Earache, fever, aches and stuff running down my throat. I felt very bad. I'm not feeling as rough now but I know I'm still not well.

Yesterday I was so low and today I was too ill to be anything. Now I don't know. I feel like I could go either way, either carry on where I left off with only a small dent or whether ill keep crashing. I'm stuck in limbo and I'm not sure its even safe to come out.
I just want to apologise to everyone I hurt. I'm sorry.