This morning when I got up knowing we were aiming to be going to town, I didn't mess about, I just took a whole lorazapam and some aconite. However I think a whole one may have been a little over kill in someways. I had some breakfast and then got our wires crossed. We didn't want to text K and A and wake them up if they were having a lie in and we were ready to go, so we got in the car to save T's knees and we drove to the town center. I was feeling on edge and not believing that I could actually do it but I wasn't having a panic attack. We had only been in town for a few mins when I started to feel light-headed and confused. My hands started shaking and T made me sit down and take my blood reading. I was too confused to understand the reading properly but T basically told me that my blood sugar had dropped very low, despite eating breakfast and drinking on the way, and that I needed to get some glucose tablets into me, some sugary drinks and some crisps for carbs. I felt very odd and floaty but in a bad way, like on the verge of panic but not capable of it. K and A met up with us and K suggested we go into a small quiet shop and look around while I sucked a lolly, nibbled crisps and sipped my drink. It worked, by the time we came out of there I was feeling much better and I continued to sip my drink regularly. I got very edgy when it was time to get Phia and Angel some lunch, just the smell of the food was setting off my panic, but somehow I held it at bay and continued on. We brought some lovely things while we were out and I'm looking forward to sitting down and doing some coloring and new design cards with my new pattern pads. K and A went out of town before us, preferring not to go into the big shop that we needed to go into to find clothes for Angel and me, so we gave them the keys for our house and they went back there to wait for us to bring lunch back.
I was dreading the big shop myself, and it was very busy but I went inside and went and got the jeans I wanted, I actually took the time to browse and actually get the ones that I wanted. From there I went up a floor and gathered some nice underwear then went to the top of the shop to meet up with T and see what clothes he'd chosen for a bored Angel. He as usual had chosen some wonderful things (he has great taste in clothes!!) He went to pay but the queue was massive so I offered to take Angel and walk around the shop with her as she was feeling tired. When she got even more bored of up there, I decided to go down in the lift and then outside where it was less busy and cooler.
We decided that T would go off and get the food and I would go back to the car and sort out our bags and things and get the pram put down and Angel in her seat, ready to go home. Our timing was perfect and we were on the road not long after.
When we got back, I didn't hesitate about eating. I didn't even think about it. I sat beside K watching the girls play on the floor and ate a whole chicken pasty and half a pizza. I felt overly full afterwards but, I wasn't panicky or self-conscious. Pizza also isn't a safe colour to have eaten with the tomato sauce.
K and A went home about an hour later and we settled Angel down for her nap. Phia had a good nap too, I think we wore them both out.
This evening I got a little job to do; to fix some elastic into some ballet shoes for a friends friend. I'd never met the woman before but even though I'd had dinner and she was a stranger, I didn't panic. I didn't still have any lorazapam in my system but I was calm and fine, no panic, just focused on the job then chatting. Both T and K were checking I was okay afterwards but whereas usually I'd be a nervous wreck I wasn't phased in the least.
Last thing now before I go to bed...again. I've already gone to bed once, but I ended up having to get up and come back downstairs again due to some vicious heartburn which turned into heartburn hiccups and it was so bad and painful it was making me heave.
I didn't want to risk sitting too far away from the bathroom with the heaving, so I went into the bathroom, turned the light off and sat down on the toilet lid with my head resting against the cold sink. A few times I felt like I would be, but I was so confused, I was calm and there was no panic. I don't understand. Usually any chance of being ill or not and I'm triggered to hell and panic like mad. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I wasn't panicking and scratching myself either. I had a 'normal' reaction to thinking I might get ill. My FIRST normal reaction to it, in my life.
I really hope the heartburn will stay at bay now, I'm so tired and I have Angel all day on my own tomorrow with T working hours away.
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