Yesterday night I'd felt quite ambitious about today, although I wasn't sure why. However when I woke up I felt very different. I had lots of trouble actually waking up and then I just didn't feel very confident.
Part way through the morning after some coffee and a leisurely breakfast I decided that I would at least take Angel out for a walk up to the post box. We bumped into our friends P and S outside and we walked up the the nearby opticians with them so I could ask about prices. It was 25 to just have a test, without even paying for lenses so I left it, despite really needing to go, I just don't have that kinda money. We left P ans S and they went the other way into town while me and Angel went back the way we had come to the post box to post the letters. Angel kept going on about wanting to see the 'wack wacks' (ducks) so I agreed that I would take her, despite feeling a little on edge.
* After the fire next door the other day, the paper talked to me and this morning my piece was in the paper complete with my name, my age, where I lived and Angels name and age too. So when I saw the men who got out on bail today who were arrested and my piece was against and about in the paper, I was terrified. Thankfully there were a few people around but they were all drunk and saying things and spitting in my direction. My first instinct was to protect Angel and go home. But she didn't know what was going on an I was not going to ruin her day and cower, so I looked the other way and carried on.
When we got into the big park we sat watching the ducks, geese, and swans and I tried to eat and have some energy tablets so my blood sugar would stop playing up and I could go a little further or at least not go home yet.
I wasn't sure how far I'd get but I set myself the target of going into the very edge of town and getting some money out of the cash machine for the next few weeks. As i got nearer to the center of town it got more an more busy and I realized that there was Olympic related skateboarding and BMXing going on and chairs set up for people and the big screen set up with the Olympics playing. Instead of turning back with the panic rising, I kept going, I made myself stand at the cash point and wait behind a dithery old woman, then it was my turn and I did it despite the queue behind me and the panic.
Angel was fascinated by the skateboarding so I stopped and let her watch it for a while, then I decided to take the pressure a step higher and take Angel up onto the tall blue bridge to get a better look at the boarding and biking below and generally just walk along it, I've only done it once when it was first built, it is a huge panic thing, being up high and so vulnerable. I questioned what I was doing on the way up, but I did it, I kept going and took photos at the top and let Angel look down below and we chatted about what we could see. Then we walked all the way along it to the end and then back through the park, past the demolition site and all the diggers and then back home again.
The afternoon went okay until Angel suddenly seemed to start whining for no good reason, now I know that she wasn't feeling very well, but at the time, I just thought she was tired or something. I ended up losing my temper and shouting at her quite a bit and being upset etc etc. We ended up bouncing back and forth until T came home and helped... a little. I was just stressed from having to look after her all day, challenge and push myself, think of meals, cook them and not have them eaten anyway, cleaning, washing, tidying etc etc, its tiring and I wanted to do something for myself, some time to myself, even half an hour. I guess I still haven't completely gotten used to Angel not having a sleep in the afternoon.
Hoping tomorrow will be a good day, but knowing that with the dentist being Thurs I'm going to be a bit of a nervous wreck.
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