Khan

After my blog on Monday night, I went to bed feeling happy and positive only to be woken up feel poorly in the night. It didn't feel like a panic attack, it felt like my tummy was poorly, but I guess that's how the phobia works, it tricks the mind so it might have just been the phobia and panic from waking suddenly, but it could have been something real causing it. I ended up coming downstairs, at about 1 after only getting to sleep at half 12, and watching TV until I felt well enough to lay down then even more well enough to attempt going back to sleep. I was woken at 6 in the morning by T and Angel because T had to go out to work at 7 and I would have Angel all day alone. We were still having our breakfast when T went out and then the morning seemed to slip away. Angel and I spent the majority of it tidying and getting the living room ready for the puppy. I really didn't think I would manage to get out because of how bad a night I had and the huge unknown as to whether I really felt ill or not and whether it would come back. T told me not to worry, that he would pick up the things we really need, so I had a perfect escape. However, something and I don't know what possessed me and around lunch time I decided to go. I got Angel ready and picked up the bags Id made up ready the night before and went out. I had the perfect excuse to come back home and not push any further when we only got part way up the road and a nasty very racist old man (he's lived in the area for ages) was shouting and swearing and hurling abuse at everyone no matter what race. Angel was scared and it made my heart pump but I knew I could protect myself and more importantly my daughter from him and I even silently challenged him in my mind to say something to me, but I was the only person who got away without being shouted out. The thought did cross my mind that maybe I should give up and go home and use him as an excuse, its a valid one, but I'm deranged and continued on.

I kept thinking to myself that if I am ill, then I am. People can judge me but it's not my fault and the main thing is that I'm trying and I'm looking after my little one. (WTF? I know, that's not the voice in my head talking! I have no idea where it came from because my phobia hasn't lifted at all, I'm still terrified).

I walked past my chemist and doctors, past the busy road, ill people coming in and out of docs and up past the rougher area and the nursery before coming out by the shops. I was quite panicky, but instead of going home, I forced myself into the bakery to at least get Angel some lunch before going home - Mummy rule 1- child comes first. I handled it okay and got myself some iced doughnuts for home knowing that even if I couldn't go further I had gone that far and actually being able to appreciate that for once.

I crossed the road though instead of turning back for home, and I went into the shop where I would get the puppy things. I was edgy at first but I ended up coming out of there with 3 huge bags of things including a new pedal bin for the living room so that puppy wouldn't be able to get into it. The walk home was cold but I was okay and I even ate my lunch on the way home, despite all my fears.

At home Angel and I continued tidying up the house and got everything and extra done before T got home from work just after I put Angel to bed. Once Angel was happy in bed, T went back out to get he puppy and once he got home the first thing we had to do was clean the carrier and the poor dog after in fear he'd peed, pooed and was 'ill' on himself. I handled it, I was on edge but I helped, I even got my hands dirty (cleaned them very very very thoroughly and antibaced them after though).

We spent the evening getting him settled in and getting to know him, by the end of the evening he was settled quite well and had taken to me much better than I thought he would, even crying when I left the room. We decided that we weren't keen on the name he'd been given previously and changed it to Khan which as a family we all decided on for definite this morning.

Thankfully I slept last night, although I had to be up early again so am exhausted. Angel was silly tired and had gotten up early so the meeting of her and Khan was less smoother than anticipated but now they are best friends and although she was afraid, she loved him from moment one.

We had lots to do today, first we'd planned at long last to get me over to the hue outdoors shop twenty minutes away so I could do some research for my book to help me out. I didn't take any meds and we went over there not long after they'd opened. I went off on my own around the whole shop, munching my crisps and making notes and taking pictures. It took a while and Angel played with T in the tents that were all set up  but more importantly, despite being anxious when we first got there, I was fine and got done what I wanted to get done with flying colours.

The next challenge of the day was much harder though, and with a some motion illness feeling. We stopped off home and picked up Khan who as we drove along, cuddled up on my lap rendering me unable to move and made me feel trapped. He dribbled in fear and I kept thinking he would be s*** but somehow I just managed to keep it together, keep talking to Angel, reassure the dog in my arms and talking to T. We arrived and at first found nowhere to park then we found a space but it was a distance from the shop. T went inside carrying Khan and I was left to get Angel out and lock the car. I was feeling very icky from the drive but I made myself suck a sweet, have a drink and nibble something before getting my act together and going inside the store. Once again although we were't as near the car and we had an extra little man to look after, once we got inside I did it, I coped. I was a mother I did what I needed to do and made it more fun for Angel too.

We got Khan a collar, lead, big bag of food and an identity tag but the vets part of the shop wasn't open so we couldn't get him his first jab like we'd planned, his microchip or the flea and worming treatments. T rang out usual vets while I took over holding Khan and kept talking Angel about the fish. He made an appointment for twenty minutes time, which meant that we needed to get back across town, past home and back out to where we'd been to the big store first thing in the morning. I was NOT looking forward to the travelling but I knew that we would need to get him jabbed and the sooner the better so he could go out. I started with him in the footwell to give me more space but the poor thing was scared so I let him get up onto my lap and I cuddled him all the way there.

I have never been into our vets since they moved over a year ago now, I have always been to panicky and scared. Today though on no meds, I got out of the car and went into the building. It wasn't as scary as I'd imagined, it was light and airy. We were called in after only a few moments and I decided instead of waiting in the waiting room I would go into the vets room and allow the door to be closed behind us.

I was annoyed when the vet told us that because we hadn't had him for more than three days she wouldn't give him his first jab or anything else, which meant that the journey had been a waste of time and of my strength. I tried and I guess have managed to let go of that anger and just allow myself to be pleased about the fact that I did it. I was scared and felt ill but I did it and on the way home the silly soppy Khan fell asleep in my arms.

After lunch Angel and I both had a nap and so did Khan and T got some time to play his Xbox for a while, the rest of the day has gone so fast and now it's time for a shower and bed.

Tomorrow I have got an appointment to see a psychologist, I guess to assess me and see what they are willing to offer for support and help apart from meds. Usually I would be a wreck about it by now, but at the moment I'm okay. I'm shaky and worried but okay. I'm trying to see it as a choice-less thing in the hope that I won't be able to talk myself out of it. It's back over where the vets is so another not so nice journey tomorrow. :(

I'll see in the morning whether I can go or not and what the next move will be.