So is this goodbye? (No talk of suicide)

I haven't stopped thinking about the idea to move to Norfolk. Is it an idea or a plan now? I don't know. I think in my mind its still only an idea but in T's mind it's happening.

If I leave here I leave my old life and my family behind. There aren't many people I will miss. I guess that there was always the hope in my mind of seeing my mum again, taking to her, smiling with her. But it's a broken dream, I have hurt her more than anyone can imagine and she's hurt me just the same. But that doesn't mean that leaving for good is going to be easy. I don't know if u could go as far as to say I will miss my dad all that much but he's still my dad. I think out if everyone he's the one that's most likely to come and visit.

My baby sister might be selfish and mum like at times but I love her so much and the thought of barely seeing her hurts so much. All those times I looked after her, taught her everything and protected her. She's thinking of moving away to uni but I'm not convinced she will go, if she decided to then I guess it would make it a little easier. Ill never forget how it tore us both apart when I left her at mum and dads house and moved out alone. Her broke her so much that day, can I do that again but far worse?

Kardi is another person which would miss terribly, we have always been so close since he was born 5 weeks after me. I can't imagine a life without him in it and I know I will hurt him so much to leave him.

My nanny is the last person that I will miss, I keep telling myself I rarely see her anyway but it's different living nearby and rarely visiting to saying goodbye for the last time, knowing that when I see her again it will be in her coffin.

I feel so torn, like T shouldn't be asking me to leave what little I have left while at the same time he has a huge family that love him and Ari and I would be a complete bitch to deprive them of the copious amounts of love there.

I suppose today isn't a good day to be thinking like this, especially as its the day when only a few years ago I was the Illest I have ever ever been and today my anxiety, PTSD, Panic and OCD us at iits worst.

So far today I have tried to pretend it isn't today. I've spent 2 hours cleaning non-stop until I forgot to put something into me for my blood sugars sake.

I can't think right now, I'm messing myself up with these thoughts.

In hoping my bestest friend is okay, today is just as if not harder for her.

Back to cleaning and loud music, the only way to forget.

The angels, gods and goddesses watching over, please help me at this crossroad.