Scary

The scary thing about today is that I have had some sort of a break in myself. This morning I got up not even expecting to be able to go over to the main house. After a while, a small coffee and biscuits I felt okay enough to and off we went. Auntie K was there and she offered to take Angel into town with her. Angel said she wanted to go so I let her, I felt okay about it, out of everyone I trust K most. I decided to take puppy down to the field for a run around. I let him off the lead and he was good. All I could see around me was green and trees. All I could hear was birds and the occasional car and all I could smell was the outdoors and fire which reminded me of the Land. I felt truly free for the first time in ages. I then went back to our house and got on with some work in the quiet. The washing machine was on and that sound as well as the clock ticking made it really feel like home. I was intending to bring Angel over here for lunch but she said she wanted to stay at nannies so I got the sausages from our house, fed puppy and then we all went over for lunch. I made mine at home and took it over but I are there with them and I was fine. After lunch we made cookies with nanny and auntie K then After a FaceTime call with T who's back at our house still with the bathroom fix going on. It was the hardest time if the day for me and I think that K recognised that because she asked Angel if she wanted to go pick up her boys from school with her. Angel was up for it and although I wasn't sure I wasn't about to stop her so I let her go and just cried a bit. I spoke to T again and we discussed the fact that his knee op would be done in our old home town then for the recovery his mum and dad who took him for the surgery would bring him back here to stay for at least 2 months to get better again. To save having to get someone in for cat care his dad and him are bringing the cats up here when they come back after the work at home is finished, as well as the rabbit and some more stuff for us. We were talking about Angel and I not going back at all but then I got a text from my sister to say my uncle had died. He finally got what he wanted. I will have to go back at least for the funeral but T's family have offered to have Angel while we go so we won't have to take her to the funeral where my mum will be.

****warning emetophobics stop here!**** that means you missy - just skip this paragraph
I have to admit something here about something that happened this evening. When I brought Angel back over here after playing in the main house all day she had hiccups and after leaning down and squishing her tummy she hiccuped violently and was poorly a little bit, almost on me I was so close. She was worried about the mess she'd made even though it was only a little and I cuddled her and reassured her then got my cleaning things and cleaned up with no gloves on, no shaking, no cringing and no panic. Now that isn't to say if she was poorly I would be able to deal with it in the slightest but its a step and apart from writing it here its my secret because I'm scared if I admit It then I will be cursed to go backwards again.

**** no more emeto stuff****

The last thing to include here is after Angel telling me she wants to go to school I have spoken to Auntie K and gotten her enrolled in a playgroup where her cousin E is starting in the spring. Another ffing huge huge step for me in many more ways than one and yet another commitment to staying here.

So yes an emotional roller coaster of a day and a very social one at that. Now if only I could relax enough for sleep.