No support network

I know this is my second post of the evening but right now there are too many things going on inside my mind which I'm hoping to get out so they will allow me to sleep.

It's been at least a month, maybe more since I last hurt myself but the feeling is growing, it isn't an achievement it's a bad sign because I know sometimes soon I will lose it and usually the longer its been the worse it is. At the moment everything seems to be coming together to persuade me into it and who am I to argue, it's what I do, it's what I enjoy. 

The other night I was talking about how my dad seems to have gone very quiet and off with us and how it was upsetting me. To rub salt into the wounds, not only is he ignoring my messages but I found out a little while ago that T has tried to text him too, but has had no response.
It's not only my father that I'm angry with. It's my family in general. In fact the only person who I'm unashamed of and who cares for us is my little sister.

My grandparents (Angel's grandparents) don't see us, they act like they like us when we go to see them but they never make an effort to come see us, or even call or text, even when it is Angel's birthday or Yule.

My nanny (Angel's Greatnan) couldn't get here to see Angel for her birthday because of her boyfriend being in a hostel and she can't drive. I respect that and I love her to bits, she helped to bring me up when my mum couldn't/wouldn't and my dad worked away. But she only comes to see us on Angel's birthday and she doesn't call or message us. Again we have to make contact. Although I love her, it is a disappointment.

My mum (Angel's nanny) It's been over a year and a half since she physically abused me, tried to snatch Angel and we severed contact with her. I don't even know where to start with her faults so to save me from my mood I will stop there.

My aunties, uncles and cousins on my dads side, have never taken an interest in my sister or me and we are as good as estranged. They are un-supportive, selfish low lives.

My uncles on my mum's side, there are three, one I have only met once, one adored me and helped my mum with me as a child but committed suicide when I was 10. My other uncle seemed to like us too despite him being an agoraphobic, alcoholic with lots of other mental problems which he was never given help for. He has so many of his own problems that I don't blame him for his lack of contact. He is drinking himself into an early grave and he knows what he's doing.

So that's it, that's my family. That's my support network. That's Angels support network.. it's non-existent. There is only two people that I am staying here for; my sister P and my childhood friend Kardi.

Even T's family who live miles and miles away can make an effort to come see us, they are happy to come here and help out when things have happened in the past and when my own family refuse to help us decorate the nursery when I was pregnant and had to go up ladders with a heavy bump to do it all myself. If we didn't have T's family, we would have no one.

For a while, I was happy here, I had a friend close by, but that friend wasn't a real one and I'm left hurting. I don't want to be living here anymore. I want a new house, a new area and a new start for me and my husband and little girl. We would love to move nearby to T's family, but with T's job we can't. This again is where I wish I had a career that actually paid so that I could support us and we could move and afford everything we need. We are putting in a renewed effort into selling the house and hopefully we can move at least half an hour away to a new city where there won't be the risk of running into people who we only exist to on their terms or who wishes us bad and wants to make us unhappy.

We've got all we can out of here now and it's time to move on.