It's been days

It's been days since I last wrote an entry in my blog. In that time Angel seems to have hit a stage in her development where she is constantly battles with T and especially me. She says she wants one thing for example for lunch and when you make it for her she sits there and says I want 'such and such'. I'm not sure why it's such a battle because she knows that no matter how much she pushes, she gets only what she's given. Like now, she asked for fries, so I made the for us for lunch then she sat there when i gave her the plate saying "I want waffles" and I've basically said no you eat what you got or wait for dinner. I's her choice but she wont get what she wants.

She's started whining about things but not telling us what she wants and even ignoring us when we ask her. She isn't as bad with her daddy but with me, it all games and challenging me. Saying that though she is absolutely brilliant where it really matters, like when I'm feeling poorly or we are near a road or something, the she does exactly as she's told, so i guess that if she is going to challenge she's doing it in a safe atmosphere.

On with other things then, Wednesday was T's last day off work and we were hoping to do something special like swimming or something, in the end we decided to take Angel to a huge indoor play area. We drove all the way over there to find that there was no places to park outside and the place was packed. We decided to drive into town instead and have a walk around the shops. I was feeling very nervous and on edge about it but the half a loraz I took helped me get there and talk myself out of the car and into the town center. We looked around the shops and I managed to do okay, we were looking for trainers for me but we never found anything that worked, although it was very nice to take my time and try everything on and think about it and not rush because I was panicking or anything. Angel had her lunch in her pram as we pushed her round and T ate his walking too, it was only me that didn't eat but when we got back to the car to go home I started on my baguette. We didn't go round all that many shops and it was thrashing down with rain but it was nice regardless.

Thursday, (yesterday) T went back to work and I had Angel on my own for the morning and part of the afternoon. I just kind of fit back into it and although as I said before it's hard right now with her challenges, it was alright. We went out for a walk to the post box and Angel decided she would rather walk than go in the pushchair and we walked together in the drizzle. It was nice and I actually felt relaxed. We went through the little park and then out onto the main road hand in hand. We walked all the way down to the edge of the big park but then I thought although I wanted to carry on, we should go home because we were supposed to be waiting in for a parcel for T. I hadn't taken any lorazapam and I was okay though and I couldn't help but think about when I never used to be even able to go to the shop or the post box without at least a quarter of a lorazapam.

The afternoon got more hectic when T came home and Angel decided that she was going to play up to get his attention and I got more stressed again. I was glad when it got to her bedtime and I got to do some writing.

Today (Friday) I found out this morning that my nannies partner died last night about 10.00pm and I only know because my little sister told me. I knew he had lunch cancer but the last I heard he was having therapy and responding okay to it. ( I only knew that much because my sister had told me.) She told me this morning that he has terminal cancer and he was in a hostel they knew he was dying although he was in denial. Apparently he had gotten so bad that although he wanted to die at home, my nanny couldn't look after him. I never really got on very well with him, but it's still sad that he died and in so much pain and so suddenly. I'm waiting to see whether my nanny will ring me to tell me about the funeral and such. I want to go to the funeral to pay my respects and be there for my nanny but nanny is my mum's mum which means that my mum will definitely be there and I will be faced with her after a year and a half of estrangement.

T went into work and Kardi is coming around very soon to spend some time with me and Angel. Later on my sister is coming over to stay for the night and she's meeting her fancy guy tomorrow, she hasn't met him before but they've met online and been talking for months, just like me and T did. She's a nervous wreck at the moment, she suffers with anxiety and panic attacks also and she's scared of being sick in public, so i guess she has a form of emetophobia too. She's always had a very sensitive tummy from birth and she's scared that with being anxious she will be poorly in front of her guy tomorrow, I can completely understand, bless her. So she's given me the job of looking after her and distracting her tonight then tomorrow, convincing her and drugging her if need be so she goes to meet him. I actually feel honored that she has asked me to help her do this and not our mum... maybe she is finally realizing what mum is like. Maybe her R is having the effect of pulling her away from mums clutches and setting her free.
Tonight P will be coming over and we will watch step up 2, which I love love love and then we will probably chat until bed while I sit knitting like an old lady. Then tomorrow morning I will have challenge of persuading her she will be okay and getting myself up and ready to go out.

Talking of getting up, I've been having a lot of trouble getting up in the morning and I have no set up two new app alarms on my phone to get me going in the morning. I got one that just plays random music and another one which is harsher and I set it up to only snooze 3 times then the alarm just keeps going off and off until I shake the phone for ten seconds and it then turns off and I am awake. I slept through the music alarm and then pressed snooze without even realizing on the second one. Finally the snoozes were up and it kept going and going until I shook it and made myself wake up, by which time T was in fits of giggles watching me and I was feeling most discombobulated but pleased to have woken up before Angel for a change.

I took Angel out in her stroller for a while this morning, I was going to take her to a shop to get her some new socks or to another shop to just look around and get some lunch. I ended up taking her into the big park and looking at the ducks but I felt dizzy with my blood sugar and ended up walking back home, feeling quite on edgy and panicky.

Now Angel is acting up and I'm thinking of putting her in her cot for a while for a rest for both of us, even if it's only 5 mins. Although I'm feeling a bit nervous about Kardi coming especially as I've had some lunch, I'm also looking forward to it because Angel loves playing with him and he makes it easier.