'If tomorrow I woke up free I would chose to get showered with my little girl. I would have something nice for breakfast then get in the car and go to a few local pet shops to look for a new pet to replace my dear gerbil 'Jesus' whom lived in our bedroom for five or more years. The poor little boy was dead Monday morning.
So yes, browsing pet shops as a family to chose a new pet, another gerbil or rat or maybe a bird.
Then get home and have whatever I like for lunch and dinner, play lots with Angel and enjoy my time with her and T.
I'm currently lying in bed in an attempt to sleep up here tonight'
I managed to sleep the night upstairs without any problems and woke up Saturday morning feeling more refreshed than I'd been sleeping on the sofa. I felt surprised that I'd managed it and without any meds to knock me out or any particular panic, only worry about it, although I was very very tired when we went to bed.
I got dressed, putting on fresh clean clothes with no associations to the previous week. T and I spoke about the idea of going out to have a look for a new pet for me, but I really didn't think I was up to it, that I was ready for it although I felt like I was in some ways which was confusing me. I decided to take half a lorazapam and see how I felt when it kicked in. I decided that I was feeling okay, not wonderful or anything but okay and I decided that if I was okay in that moment then the chances were I would be the next so we went and got into the car. I felt okay in the car so we decided to start it up and give going out a go. I felt okay while we traveled along, there were a few minutes here and there where I thought I was feeling ill again but I kept the idea of getting a new pet in my mind, the excitement at going to find a new companion. When we arrived at the shop there was no parking nearby and T suggested that we go somewhere else after driving about a bit and still finding nowhere, but I had a feeling that this was the place (as I get my odd feelings) and I told him to drop me off outside and drive around and wait for me while I took a look to see if it was worth us parking up. He looked surprised and I was surprised myself, I didn't think I was ready for going out let alone going off alone without T or the car in somewhere I very very rarely go and haven't been in long years. I got my bag and stepped out of the car and went around the corner to the shop. I walked in and went to the back where I knew they kept all the animals I would be interested in. There were loads of birds and two baby cockatiels caught my eye but they were £50 for the pair and I would have to buy the cage and everything else too. There were no gerbils and I thought it was a miss until I spotted a cage saying baby rats £6.95. At first I wasn't sure I could see anything in there but then I spotted two little bodies curled up at the back, both black and white with pink noses. They were both very friendly and came to see me right away. I spent ages just watching them, deciding which one to get, I only wanted one as they're easier to tame alone and become more friendly. When I finally chose I told the man and stood while he boxed her up then I payed and chatted and then left the shop with a grin on my face to find T and Angel just coming past in the car again. I got in and told them both all about my new friend while we traveled home with my prize on my lap in her box.
At home T took Angel back out to get some petrol while I set up my new rats cage and got her settled. She took an instant liking to my shirt and curled up against my belly in my shirt and ground her teeth in contentment. T and Angel come home and I showed her off to them then I was shocked to find myself back in the car on my way up to another shop to get her a few things. We all got out the car and despite me not feeling strong enough to be able to, we walked around the shop, right to the back to get the things we needed for the new addition to the family and then we payed and came home via a food place to get lunch, which I managed to after a few hours eat all of.
My dad and my sister were supposed to be coming round in the afternoon for dad to pick up his present and card and catch up but he forgot because he was with his family so feeling a little disappointing we just played as a family, drawing and coloring and I continued to stick to T like glue.
After my entry saying if I was free I would... I did all the things I said I wanted to do and more. I really don't understand where the strength is coming from, where the determination to get over it and carry on originates, where the source of the fight is. I've gone from not being able to do anything, feeling terrified constantly to being able to act and feel at least some of the time.. okay.
I'm by no means cured or better and I don't even know whether I am free from feeling suicidal, because I know in the future I will get ill again, Angel will get ill again and I will have to deal with it all over again. I'm still scared most of the time, inside I'm a shaking wreck but somehow on the outside there is a layer of something I didn't know I had and I certainly didn't know how to use.
Today I was thinking that I wouldn't be able to go out or do anything, that yesterday was only doable because of the loraz in my system, but after sleeping in bed again through the night I got up and got showered and then we decided to go out to a different pet shop to get some things we couldn't get yesterday for 'Pheonix'. (I called her that because her life with us is rising from the ashes of 'Jesus' our gerbil and my going and picking her out is also me rising from the ashes of destruction).
I wasn't as sure as yesterday at all, I queried if I could before we got in the car, trying to use the same logic as yesterday, asking myself if I feel okay now? and now? We got in the car and T helped reassure me and feeling terrified I buckled my seat belt when what I wanted to do was get back out and go in the house and hide. We arrived at the shopping place which thankfully isn't very far away and we went into the pet shop. We took our time and browsed and looked at the animals and browsed some more before paying and then I suggested spur of the moment that we go in the shop next door, which was a little further from the car. We looked around but wasn't taken with anything so came back out and I suggested that Angel and I walk ALONE down to the shop at the end of the row while T move the car for some stability for me in case I got panicky or felt ill suddenly. T looked surprised again but agreed and me and Angel walked down to the shop hand in hand while we nibbled crisps.
We found what we were looking for and had a look around some other things too then we got back in the car and came back home again and made some lunch. I only had 4 crackers with butter but I had something. The biggest thing about our venture out today wasn't the fact that I did it but that I did it on no lorazapam at all.
This all sounds very positive but it isn't all like that and it also doesn't mean that I'm not scared to death every moment I'm awake and in my nightmares. It was only two days ago that I was planning to die, that I decided that I couldn't do this anymore and I needed a way out, I didn't care how. I still feel suicidal like I said before but thanks to another emetophobic whom has been in contact with me throughout this whole thing and I don't know what it is, it feels like a stranger inside me, I am managing.
Some of the things I'm really scared of at the moment are meals times; eating full stop but also inescapably thinking about what Angel's food would look like if it came up, and mine and bracing myself to see it, to hear it and feel ill, thinking that I already feel ill. Silly things like sitting at the table when the last time we sat there to have a meal was the day it all started and that meal came up for Angel. Seeing the same food types, things stuck to the washing, smelling certain smells etc, its the work of the phobia and the OCD together, they make a wonderful partnership. I'm scared of putting Angel to bed because of what I found when I out her to bed one Tuesday. I'm scared of every little sound she makes than can be mistaken for 'that' kind of sound. I'm afraid to be alone with her and I'm terrified of T going back to work. I don't feel like I'm ready. I feel like I need a few days away from them, on my own to get to grips with things before the fears consume me in the push of everyday life.
Apart from anything else, I still have an ulcerated throat and mouth, but at least that pain as well as that of the chipped bone in my shoulder (I banged it very hard the day before all this started), is something to hold onto.
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