I've been sitting here staring at my phone for ages while I try to think of something, anything to write to explain or describe what I'm feeling.
Terror Is pretty close to one of the feelings. I think I might be able to pick myself up or attempt a recovery and I think I see or hear more signs of someone but mostly Angel being ill. You know the sinking feeling in your tummy they you get when your falling? That happens and my whole stomach roils in protest. I tried tk show T when I saw Angel doing what I thought was gagging but he didn't see it, he said she wasn't and he doesn't appear to hear the sounds.
I'm scared to be near her. I'm terrified of her especially being on my own with her to The point that I've started following T around so I don't have to be.
My tummy keeps feeling very delicate and icky again but in my sane mind I think its because of all my panic and worry and because I'm still sensitive oh and not eating much though my tummy seems to want me to.
What else, well I keep smelling it and after I'd done the washing of the dirty clothes there were bits of food found when I was hanging it out. Everything around me feels like a constant reminder. Everything inside me and around me feels against me. Like its all conspiring to end me. I did always say that next time I get ill I will kill myself. I was trying to change that way of thinking but I obviously didnt suceed.
I don't know how I'm going to feel comfortable in the same room with Angel, let alone being alone with her or responsible for her. I can't do further than the end of the road, so how will I get in the car or take Angel out? This wont just go over night, I was doing better than this when I started my getting better venture on the 1st Feb.
I can see how much this is breaking Ts heart and Its breaking mine too, but I can't just stop it, I wish I could. Unfortunately complex phobias don't work that way.
I have any drive to do anything. Not my art, my writing, housework or looking after myself. T keeps trying to get me to write but I'm just empty.
Hey,
ReplyDelete*Puts on sensible hat, haha*
I think you have to give yourself a break and this isn't meant in a criticizing way because Lord knows you, can do that enough yourself, BUT, we all need to be realistic about this - it only happened a few days ago. NOBODY can expect you to be back to normal yet, or in fact anywhere near normal.
I know you have little Angel to look after so it must feel like a lot of pressure to be back to your pre Monday/Tuesday self, but Angel will be okay. She knows you love her, she has T, she has you and she also has K, her little friend next door and well when she can write, I'll be her penpal ;-) Angel will still love you if for a short period of time you can't take her to feed the ducks, and she will also still love you if you are afraid of her because I am sure you are doing everything within your power to not show her how frightened you are which is really extraordinary.
You will get there but it will take time. It's still really raw right now and your body probably isn't even completely recovered from the bug. Take it little steps at a time. Are there any foods that feel safer for you? I know you are probably scared to eat too much in case "it" happens but you also don't want to be eating too little because that will make you feel icky too and then perpetuate the whole anxiety/emetophobic cycle.
It makes me sad what emetophobia takes away from us. I know for me after a virus/food poisoining it does take an awful lot and I can never wear the same clothes again or eat the food that I had eaten before. It completely put me off pale blue too :P The craziness of it all hehe!
Anyway, I have faith in you and I love you lots and believe in you.
xxx
/lovingrantover :P
Okay, that was longer than I thought. LMAO! x
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