I shall start at the start; yesterday morning.
It was T's first day of leave and we were intending to go to the zoo with Angel or to the butterfly farm, but T's knees were hurting him so bad, he whether he admitted it or not was not in a fit state to be driving that far. So I suggested we stay in the City we live in and go get a few last minute things for Angel's birthday. We went to a huge toy store and I have to admit I was very very reluctant to go out, especially as I'd spent most of the night downstairs having panic attacks. T assured me that I would be okay, but I felt so on edge. I decided to take some aconite and a quarter of a lorazapam and then let T talk me into getting into the car with him and Angel. He said that I should at least stay in the car for the drive there and then whether I go in or not when we get there, I've at least been out. I reluctantly agreed and we set off. The shop is over by where my mum lives and I started to get a little worried that we might bump into her but thankfully we didn't. It's a massive shop and I really didn't think I would be able to go in. T parked near the exit door so that if I did go in and needed to come out quickly I would come out to the car right in front of me.
I decided that despite my fear, I'd get out of the car and at least walk to the doors with T and Angel then if I wasn't up for going inside, go back to the car, I had the car keys so felt a little safer about doing it.
I was holding Angel's hand and I decided to go in, I don't know why, not sure what was spurring me on but I went in and reminded myself that there were toilets down the end furthest from the exit and then at the other end of the shop was the exit and the car. We walked to the exit end first and looked around the strollers as we're thinking of getting a new one to replace the small one we have now and the huge travel system which is so heavy I can barely carry it. Angel started to get bored so we moved onto looking around the toys and further into the shop. I was a little anxious but not panicky and I helped us chose the things we wanted, then we walked the length of the shop a few times, looking for the other things we wanted, to find they were right by the check-outs and we'd missed them because the range of them had been reduced.
Once we had what we wanted we went to the only check-out open and payed and Angel told the lady behind the counter that we were buying her birthday presents for tomorrow. We went back out to the car and once we were all in I sat there stunned at being able to go in there from what a state I'd been in earlier in the morning and how scared I'd been.
We drove across to a pet shop which is on a busy main road and there was nowhere to park but we wanted to go inside to have a look for another rat for Pheonix because she needs a friend really. We ended up parking really far up one of the side roads and T assured me that the pet shop was just around the corner at the end of the road. I said I would walk to the end of the road and see how I felt and if I was okay, I'd keep going. We got to the corner and I couldn't see the pet shop, only a busy bus stop and a very busy road. I had a feeling we were parked much further away than T thought but I kept going, I had Angel's hand in mine and I was feeling calm enough to carry on. It turned out that the pet shop was quite a distance up this main road but I did it and I managed to keep myself calm enough and after looking round the shop leisurely we made our way slowly back to the car, this time with me carrying Angel who'd announced she was tired. Apart from the fact that my arm felt like it was going to fall off from her weight I was feeling pleased that I'd been able to do something that might seem simple to most people but is a real challenge for me.
Next we decided to pop into the pet shop on the way home, to check if they had any rats. Once again, we weren't parked that near and it was pretty busy but I went in, and we had a good look round at all the animals several times; Angel loves animals, like her mummy and daddy. We established that the rats were all males and we need a female to go with our female so we went to get some food and headed home.
When we got back, Kardi text me, part way through my lunch to tell me he was on his way over. I was a little unsure but I didn't want to tell him no when he wanted to see Angel for her birthday. So I just ate less of my lunch and tried to keep calm. He arrived and he played with Angel then while she had a nap he helped me finish making her cake, tidying up, sort out and put away the shopping delivery, wrap and decorate the last of Angel's presents and we talked about my newest book ideas. I had a really nice afternoon. T didn't because of his knees, he was in a lot of pain but I did my very best to look after him and make him tea and food and make sure he didn't have to move around too much.
Once Angel finally went to bed last night, I blew up balloons and strung them to the ceiling, hung up red streamers and some silver bunting and stacked all her presents along one wall before covering them with a big blanket so she couldn't see them until after her breakfast the next morning.
I was exhausted by the time I finally sat down and rested but I knew it would all be worth it in the end.
*********************************************************************************
Today
After a night of very vivid nightmares I forced myself to wake up so that I could see Angel's little face when she came downstairs and saw the living room all decorated. I also wanted to have my breakfast with T and Angel so that I would be ready to watch and help Angel open her presents.
I dragged myself up and got dressed then we all went downstairs and I pulled the blind up and Angel's face lit up at the decorations. She announced that she wanted a balloon and I had anticipated that, I took the spare balloon I'd blown up and put it on the pink stick for her to play with while me and T went about making breakfast for us all and the cats.
Angel knew what her birthday meant, she wolfed her breakfast down so that she could have her presents and she got very impatient at me and her daddy for being slower than her and slowing her down on getting to the pile of presents all along the wall. They were still covered with the blanket but she knew what was in there.
Finally after like five minutes to us but a decade to her we pulled the blanket back and showed her her pile of pressies and she jumped right in and started opening the first one. The first part of the morning was spent with me sitting on the floor helping Angel open her presents and T sitting on the sofa with his poorly knees, taking photos of our now 2 year old.
Once all the opening was done T and Angel popped to get some fruit while I stayed home and got myself prepared for going out and put up Angel's scooter she'd gotten for her birthday; the only thing she'd actually requested.
Then it was time to go out and with all the new toys she had through so many bargains and some second hand stuff we desperately needed to get some new stackers for them all. I again was very nervous about going out and took some aconite to help. The short journey there was quite nerve wracking and wen we arrived I didn't feel in a fit state to go into the shop. T brought the stackers and came back out to the car and had to make them all fit. I decided to pop back inside now on a quarter of loraz and get Angel some sweeties for being so good and patient with us and because I was running out of things to feed her. Despite feeling very on edge still, I took her in alone and I let her choose what she wanted, which was a HUGE packet of dolly mixture, which she said was for mummy and daddy to share too. T came into the shop a moment later and he got us both a drink as he was very thirsty and we were supposed to be heading to another pet shop to look for a rat afterwards. I got panicky in the longish queue but I made myself stay and I did it. We then drove a little way to the other pet shop and again, there was nowhere to park near so T parked up a side street and said he and Angel would go and I could wait in the car. I didn't want to though, I was geared up ready to go and we did, I was fine, even when Angel ran around the shop ten times looking at the animals and happily skipping about. Who needs a zoo when she loves and pet shop and it's free. We established there were only males there too and we went back to the car to go home and get some lunch and sort out the living room and all Angel's toys.
We now have a much tidier and ordered living room, which my OCD really likes and its easier to keep tidy with the new drawers. Angel then went to bed for a much needed sleep after her over stimulation of pressies and the going out to see animals.
So now for a bit of a moan to finish us off.....
I expected to get a text from my sister this morning to say happy birthday to Angel but I got nothing, I can let her off for that though, she came over in the afternoon.
My dad however has annoyed me because it was his birthday last Saturday and he decided to go away to camp on his own, which was fair enough. He said that he wasn't going to take his phone or if he did he wasn't going to turn it on unless there was an emergency, which again, a little ignorant if his girls or his granddaughter want to text or call and wish him a happy birthday, but fair enough. I text him a few times to say happy birthday etc and I'd just expected him to reply when he got home to say thank you o at least to tell us he wasn't dead somewhere in the mountains alone. But I got nothing all week, until last night when he text not saying thank you but just asking when he could come over with my sister. I told him half past 3 which would give us time to do what we wanted in the morning and give Angel a chance to have a sleep before they got here.
Before 3 I got a text to say can we come now, annoying when I'd told them what time was suitable. I text back and said yes but Angel would be asleep. They turned up not much later.
I'd asked my dad to look around the house at the work that we need doing and give me a quote so we can get him in to do it and last time he was here he conveniently 'forgot' to mention it. Then he'd skipped a week, not coming around when he said he would and letting us and Angel down and today he didn't seem keen. I pushed him to walk around the house with me so he could see what we want doing and give me a number for how much it will cost us. (He's a very good and very experienced painter and decorator).
He reluctantly followed me around and ummed and arred then skirted around giving us a price, changing the subject and trying to put us off by saying he isn't available to do it until October at the earliest if at all. He clearly wasn't keen and didn't want to and I sat there feeling so ashamed of my family, of my mum for not even giving enough of a crap about us to even put a status on facebook about her granddaughters birthday, for not even trying to get in touch to give her a card. Do we mean that less to her than she's managed to forget about us enough not to care? I don't want her in our lives, I think but I also don't want to know that we are as good as dead to her. Then my dad, being off with us, ignoring contact, not wanting to help his daughter make their house a home. I feel so alone. I have barely any family, the only person I see from my very small family is P my sister and I love her to bits. But sometimes I get so jealous of T with all his family, so many people that love him. I have him, Angel and P that love me. I'm not trying to sound self-pitying, I'm just trying to explain how it made me feel to know he doesn't want to be in our lives for more than an hour every two weeks at most.
The very last thing that really peed me off about my dad today was the present he got Angel for her birthday. I never ask for much but he usually goes out his way to spend at least £50.00 on her, being his only granddaughter. But for me it isn't the money that counts, it is the gift, even if he made her some painted stones, but he's put love and care into making them I wouldn't care. What he actually gave her, a 2 year old was an adult sized bracelet which is almost too big for me, and an old gift which I think my mum gave to him when we lived all together; a mug in a tin, only he's filled the mug with unwrapped jelly babies. I didn't want a solid gold bar for her, or a present at all, but it is the thought that counts and there was no thought there.
I also found out today, through my sister as my Nanny seems to be ignoring my texts also that my Nannies partner who has cancer is now in a hostel and he's been told he might not come out. We are hoping that although we hear barely anything from her to go and see her on Monday if she's in, see how she is and how she's coping with it all.
Anyway, I apologize, this is a long entry and there is much moaning at the end. To end on a more positive note, Angel had a great birthday and she went to bed happy and content.
And now time for me to get some writing done before I get too tired and have no energy left for anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment