A loss

I started writing this blog for my own self-help and getting my inner most thoughts and feelings out in a safe way, so I regardless of who might read this or not I am going to write from my heart. 

It all started a few nights ago when I was texting a friend who said she was getting tummy cramps and was feeling queezy and having tummy trouble, she said she thought it was stress about something big she was going to do and I accepted that. Then later on she told me that it wasn't panic and that she was getting nausea in waves and generally feeling poorly. Of course I was sympathetic, no one wants to feel ill, but I was also concerned as my daughter had been there that morning. I suggested it might be IBS, worrying about going the day after but she told me that she doesn't get that and that her mate had took her so round who had been feeling sick and she thought she'd picked up a tummy bug or something she'd eaten. Alarm bells went off more, if she had a tummy bug, then Angel could have it and we only just got over one. Then she said it had started the morning before, which meant that she'd been feeling unwell while Angel was there, before that even and she hadn't said anything. She ended the message by saying that a warm bath had eased it and she just hoped that she hadn't spoke too soon. So I went to sleep a total wreck, only just mentally beginning to get over the last tummy bug and believing that we could have caught another. I never blamed her but alarm bells were going off in my head and I went to sleep to have dreams about vomit all night long. 

The following day when I text to see how she was she told me that she'd called NHS direct she was that bad, and that the DR had said it could be stress or a poorly tummy...again more panic. Then all of a sudden she called T to take her to meet her family where they had gone, I was like what so she's not ill any more? It seemed as though suddenly her illness had disappeared after I'd been up all night panicking over it. I felt sorry for her having lots of panic when she got where she was going and I wanted to be supportive and tried to but I was just so confused. I reassured her that she wasn't a failure and tried to be there as a friend. 
Admittedly I didn't text much that night but I was feeling confused and I was trying to focus on my family and not let too much of my mental shit ruin our weekend. 

The next day we had a busy day and went swimming which was very hard for me, then shopping in town and then I fell asleep. In the end after I hadn't heard from her, yet her partner had checked with my hubby if I was okay with her I decided to text and see how she was. She kept asking about why I seemed so unresponsive and I decided that because she'd always said in the past that I could tell her anything, that we would be friends always and if there was a problem I should tell her, I told her that I was feeling a bit whiplashed from all the chopping and changing and worry the day before. I never meant that she was doing it intentially to hurt me or upset me, but I wanted her to know how I felt so she knew why I was feeling off. She told me how she didn't want to lose me as a friend, obviously she wasn't as concerned as she made out. She turned my concern around to say that I was calling her inconsiderate. I tried to explain how being emetophobic it affected me but I wasn't blaming her but she was already off on one and all her earlier promises and words went out the window and I went to bed in tears knowing that yet another 'friend' had hurt me, I swore I would never let another person in and I did, and I let her in more than anyone else except Lucy or T are aloud in and it was all for nothing. I keep re-reading the texts over and over again, looking to find where she could have gotten that I was calling her inconsiderate from but I just can't. I tried to be careful and delicate but tell the truth. There are so many people in this world that say they want the truth, that they can take but apparently can't. She ended the texting last night by saying that she was going to send her partner round to pick up the DVD's that I was borrowing. I got back up out of bed and put all the things she's given me into a box for her, I didn't want it all to be thrown away but I was hurting and I couldn't see how we'd get back from there so I wanted it all gone. 

I got up this morning and tried to be happy and normal for Angel and we were just about to go out to the postbox when her partner turned up and I passed him the box without speaking to him, I didn't know what to say and I was gearing up for going out despite all the shit going on. I got a text while I was walking with Angel claiming that I'd drawn him into it by giving him a dirty look, which I hadn't. I was also called a child. I felt like they were bullying me and T was at work our of the house for the first time since we all got ill. I said that I was feeling bullied and that they must both have an habit of seeing things that aren't there. I was then accused of bullying them. I was bullied all through school and I have never bullied another person in my life and I never would. How can she claim to have ever known me and call me that? I took some time out, not wanting to reply and she sent another text in my absence, she called me a little girl and I quote 'realize life is harder than a bit of puke'. I broke down in tears at this point, all that time she had been saying she got me, when to say that comment she couldn't have understood at all, she has no clue as to what a real phobia is and just to use that word with me when she knew she was going to be triggering me. I said as much to her and when T got home from work he was messaging someone and after asking he told me that she'd been messaging him for the last hour. And she was going on about me dragging her man into it, there was no need at all to contact T except to make him upset, stressed and try to grab attention as I'd stopped texting and taking the bait. I also suggested the name calling should stop. I told her that I was not going to argue about it anymore and told her that she knows where I live if she wishes to talk like an adult. She kept going on and on, even after she' said bye. I stopped texting and she went on and on and on, texting over and over until I thought I was going to have to turn my phone off. Eventually she text me the message 'forget the whole thing, I'm gone'. I didn't reply, I had no interest in giving her more attention. She said a similar thing to T and then a while later messaged him yet again, this time to tell him that she almost jumped in the canal (which is knee high) and her partner had stopped her and that she was okay and she was looking forward to work with him on the area things. By this time we were both completely fed up of the shit and both got on with our evening, feeling upset and hurt but doing our best for Angel. 

I am more upset that I ever opened up to her and I have certainly learned my lesson not to trust. Apart from T there is only one other person in this world that understands me and I can talk to and they know who they are. I'm sad that this 'friendship' has ended but I knew it would never last, it was too good to be true and I'm bored of defending myself now. 

If you're reading this, despite what I've said, I will miss you.