Working hard

It's been quite a long time since I last wrote here. I have been very very busy with my work ad to be honest, I haven't done anything that much different. That's not to say that everything I do doesn't amaze me or astound me still, it does, it's just that I've had to be dividing my time into other things.

T and Angel went away as I was talking about on my last entry. We all went swimming in the morning and hen I was very upset when they left after lunch, but an afternoon walk into town with my sister once they'd gone meant that it took my mind off things. She helped so much over the first few days, she was only supposed to stay for one night but she ended up staying for two and I was actually very sad to see her leave on Sunday. I had lots of video chats with T and Angel and that helped me feel less lonely. I basically spent all my time working extremely hard to get my work edited and ready to publish and the hard work payed off when I got my latest book published and my next one planned out, including the title and the front cover.

T and Angel came home on the Wednesday afternoon and I was feeling very very low, I tried to hold it back but by the time Angel went to bed, I was in floods of tears. I put it down to them coming home and the loneliness before that as well as some bad dreams, that and the night before I'd had a night off and spent it watching one of my fave series and it was a very depressing few episodes. The next day though I was still feeling the same and after getting up and not being able to go out with them as planned because of how badly my tummy was hurting I dropped lower still until I was very suicidal and couldn't think of much else. I did tell T how I felt and tried to keep and open mind that it was most likely the changes and my normal low phase combining at the same time. T encouraged me to sit and work out some of my new characters for my new book, (after finishing a book like I have recently that makes me depressed too, but this wasn't just the end of a book, it was the end of a series, for now at least). It did help to sit there and work out my characters, make friends with them and get to know them a bit. I came to the conclusion that apart from my Lucy friend, that the best friends are in my head, those are the ones that make me happiest and they never hurt me. Yes I may be deranged but they make me happy.

Yesterday we had planned to go to my nannies house, after the death of her partner, she is feeling very understandably fragile and lonely and she has never had the opportunity to spend all that much time with Angel so, although I was nervous we went over there (I took half a lorazapam but that was all). I was very edgy but we got there and it was so relaxed that I felt calmer. Angel, T and I had our lunch there and it brought back memories of being a child, especially as my nanny had brought me up when my mum couldn't cope with me. She gave us food that reminded me of my childhood and of my greatnan who died many years ago now. Angel settled down very quickly and my nanny got to see her in a way that she has never gotten to see her in before; relaxed, talkative, happy and exploring around. When we got home me and Angel both fell asleep, Angel had tired herself out playing and she isn't 100% well anyway and I was tired because of my meds and fell asleep on T's leg.

Today we went to the big Tesco that we have in our area, it is massive and it was my idea. I forgot to take any aconite and didn't even consider the need to take lorazapam. We went to the library first and I did have some doubts but got out of the car and went in. Angel and I had a lovely time walking round and looking at the books, we took our time and read some of them and browsed leisurely (something I remember not being able to do at a smaller library, nearer home and on meds, not to long ago). We left T getting the books out and walked down at some candy dispensers and I got a little 20p bag of sweets for us to share. Then we went to the opposite end of the shop from the doors by the car and looked for a cover for my new phone which is coming on Tuesday. I'd never dreamed that I would be able to go so far away from the car on no meds in such a huge place. I couldn't have gotten any further from the car. We then traveled from there to a retail park and we went into a shop to get Angel some winter boots (the weather has really taken a cold snap here, definitely autumn now,) and some fleeces. From there Angel and I walked down to a chemist for me to get some more vitamins and some aconite and we did that on our own without T who was moving the car but didn't really need to, by the time he got into the shop Angel and I were happily paying and coming out.
We had intended to eat out but when we got down to the food place, again with Angel and I walked and T going in the car because of his knees, it was packed and the queue was huge so we ended up travelling home and having a little picnic lunch out the front of the house on a picnic blanket.

My dad and sister came round this afternoon and my dad brought some cakes as usual, usually I would save one and not eat in front of them for my nerves, but today, despite having had lunch and a HUGE mocha, I was feeling okay and I shared a doughnut with Angel. They stayed longer and longer, even when we hinted for them to go so we could have some dinner and in the end we had our dinner with them there. I thought I would be panicky but I ate well, very well, I felt too full but no panic and I even shared some chocolate ice-cream with T as a dessert. (The ice-cream was handmade by me :))


I'm suspecting that this blog will drop off a little until a huge challenge like the dentist or similar comes up. As I said, it isn't that i don't appreciate all the things I am doing, or that I don't think they're special, it's more that I'm learning to appreciate them at the time (I don't think I'm describing this well at all, I'm not sure how to.) I will keep this going because it helps me, but I feel the need to do it a bit less I think. I think that is a good sign, I hope it is.

That is all for now, Onto writing my new book now.