Longest time

This is the longest time that I haven't written a blog for since I started! I don't know why even. I was in a bad  way when I last wrote an entry too, not the best time to leave it.
Monday night I was exhausted and worn down both mentally and physically and I still didn't sleep much.

Tuesday I took Angel for a walk around the streets, just the quieter ones as I was quite anxious but I got out and did it and felt better for it. That night I decided to take some meds to make me sleep that night; I knew if I didn't then I would hurt myself or stay up all night torturing myself more. 

Wednesday I slept through thanks to the meds, although I forgot to leave a note to tell T why he couldn't wake me up and why I hadn't set an alarm. In the end I was roused from sleep and I decided to do something nice with Angel as I was feeling better for my sleep. I was very nervous though and we started going to the post box, then around the quieter streets, trying to beat back the fear, the phobia which kept trying to make me go home and give in. In the end I felt calm enough to get far enough away from home to walk all the way along the canal, it was a warm day and beautiful to be walking in such a pretty place in the sun. The only thing that made it difficult was Angel's mood; she has been in an awful mood all week, it just doesn't seem to be passing. Anyway, we were out over an hour and apart from moodiness had a nice time. 
Wednesday night my sister came to stay and we watched another movie while I knitted and we chatted. I'm finding that I'm more comfortable with her company at the moment, I think it's one of those things, the more we do it, the better I feel about it. Even to the point that I have a bladder infection, its nearly gone now but Wednesday night I was literally doubled up with it and feeling nausea because of it, but I was able to talk to P about it and not have to hide away. 

Thursday P and I decided to go to town, my pain was less and we got Angel in the pram. I took half a lorazapam but then felt I might need more so took another half but it was a larger half because it had split wrong and on an empty stomach.... well I was stoned. I know we went to town, I know I brought things and I can remember snatches of it, but that's all. When we got home again I fell asleep on T's shoulder while he was working and Angel and P were playing on the floor. They took photos, tried to make me jump and poked me but nothing worked, I was out of it. At one point T moved me off him and lay me on some pillows with a blanket but I only vaguely remember that. I woke up for a few hours that evening to have something to eat then I fell asleep again at not long past 8 on a full tummy, which I NEVER do! I slept until nearly 8 the next day too! 

Friday (Yesterday) I got up and didn't feel as well rested as I should have done for all the sleep but I got up and decided to take Angel for a walk in her pushchair up to the post box. I didn't expect to get far but I ended up walking up to the shop on the main road to get bread, posted the letters there then walked the opposite way to go to the doctors to put in my prescription, I then walked to the big park and then along a long main road to another set of shops to look around. We then came home the long way and I told T all about what we'd done, feeling surprised at what I'd achieved and on no lorazapam. T had to go out to work not long after we got home and I felt okay about it, I got me and Angel into the bath and we washed then had a late lunch. Kardi came around in the afternoon and we played outside for ages, drawing chalk patterns on the floor, playing with a ball, with Angel's pushchair with her and just talking. Kardi once again struck me with how much he loves Angel to bits. T was home early and he went back out to get a Chinese for us, I don't usually eat from take-outs, it's far to scary and triggering for the emetophobia, but last night Kardi an T talked me into it and I actually ate a lot for me and enjoyed it and didn't panic after. It was date night last night so once Angel was in bed asleep, T and I cuddled up on the sofa and watched a romance before as good as falling into bed very tired. 

This morning I got up, feeling confident again, put on a maxi dress, silver heels and did my hair nice, even put on a new ring. Then we went out and I hadn't eaten much but I got out of the car when we got to the new pet shop and looked around, didn't even flinch, even at the back of the shop which was went very far back. We brought our cats a new little scratching post toy which they will love and some food for our rat and guinea-pigs. From there we decided to go over to another pet shop to see if they had any rats left because we're looking for another female to go with the one we have to settle her down and give her a companion. We arrived and because there is no parking we had to park down the street and walk and I asked myself if I felt okay in that minute and if yes then I would most likely be okay to go just down the road, (even thought it felt like miles away to me). It was the sweetest thing, as if they both sensed my fear, Angel took one had and T the other and we walked to the shop like that and I felt so much safer than usual. They had a little girl rat left, only one and we looked at her and agreed she was perfect. We brought her and drove him, Angel moaned most of the way back; she was tired and moody. I ended up feeling really hungry on the drive home and scoffed a whole packet of crisps. Then just as we got home, we decided to go back out to yet another pet shop to buy my rats, Phoenix and Syndil a new cage to make it better for handling them both and socializing. After a short argument. caused by Angel played up again and me getting frustrated and using a swear word at her then feeling as though all my confidence had gone so getting changed, we dropped Syndil home to start getting settled then went the short drive to the retail park. We couldn't park very near the doors but although I'd just eaten and felt like a pig I went in ahead of T and Angel and choose a new cage, then we had a look around the shop at the animals and Angel helped me choose some dog biscuits for our rats, then we paid and went back to the car. Just before we came out of the shop Angel had played me up badly, even hit me at one point and I hate to admit that. She apologized when we got back to the car and hugged me for ages but it really did upset me and I have to say I am really not enjoying looking after her just lately, I'm so tired of her moods. We decided to get lunch out and take it home then Angel could go to sleep sooner. We sat outside on a picnic blanket to eat and even saw a few neighbors passing by but I felt okay, not much panic or worry, although I have had very low appetite today which always worries me. 
Thankfully Angel had a sleep this afternoon and I got on with hanging some new paper in the bedroom (which I've never done before, but my dad (a painter and decorator) doesn't seem to want to help with. It went okay and I only made a small mess, then I painted the wall. I made up a nice pale green colour from tester pots and a tin of cream paint, it really is a nice colour and the room will look gorgeous when it's all done, no thanks to my dad. Screw you daddy... look, I'm doing it myself!
Talking of dad, him and P were supposed to come around today as it is a weekend they spend together, but they didn't again, I thought that might be the case, I think dad has a problem with us, I wish he would just say what, but at least P had a nice time with him, I think. 
Now I'm really hoping to get some editing done before I have to give in and go to bed. I'm dreading next week already :( I really wish Angel would snap back to being the lovely little girl she used to be. I miss that little girl.