Toady is the very last day of T's holiday from work. Tomorrow at 8 in the morning he starts work again and I'm primary carer of Angel and house keeper again. I didn't end up going out yesterday, T and Angel went into town for a while but I was still feeling ill with my ears and throat, so I stayed home and worked my way through a backlog of housework.
Today we'd intended to take Angel to a big indoor play place, but the plans were scuppered when we all had a very bad night's sleep. Angel was awake at least every hour crying and burning up and T had to keep getting up with her. I was feeling wibbly before I went to sleep but I tried to reason that it was panic although I wrote a note to T to let him know that I'd gone downstairs, just in case I needed to. Somehow I guess I knew that I would end up on the sofa and ever weirder, somehow I knew that when I would need to go downstairs I would neither have the time or the brain capacity to write the note then. I fell asleep, not by choice but because my meds took affect and I woke up only a few minutes later feeling very very ill and managed to talk myself out of bed and down the stairs, only just remember to put the note on my pillow. I sat on the edge of the sofa in the bright light from the bulb and rocked, cried, sipped my drink desperate to make the taste go and try to settle my tummy, and panicked so much that I almost felt paralyzed, I couldn't make myself move off the sofa and I was convinced that I would get ill. I dug my nails into my arms, my hands, my legs, anywhere to try and ground me, to try and persuade me that this was a panic and I could snap out of it, but it didn't happen. I did eventually start to feel better and although I never felt okay enough to go back up to bed, I eventually felt up to trying sleep again, this time feeling more in control and I managed to get a little on the sofa with one of my blankets around me.
I felt so trapped, I can't get that feeling out of my mind, yes I came through it yet again but that doesn't mean I want to have to again. I didn't want to wake up today, let alone try to go out when I did wake up, but I could see how much Angel wanted to go out, and T too and we decided to go somewhere that wasn't so much of a challenge as a big play place full of people and children and potential germs. We decided to go to a big shoe warehouse that we have about ten minutes from where we live, we were after some winter boots for me and I was kind of excited about having a look, especially because it's a huge big warehouse type building and Angel would be able to run around and look at shoes.. She loves shoes. I was panicky on the way there, Angel insisted on having some music on which didn't help and when we got there my nerves were fraught and I didn't want to go in, but I did. I made myself get out of the car and give it a go, even though my safety net (a drink to sip) needed refreshing and didn't taste right and my tummy was wibbly from last night.
I don't understand why I keep on fighting, I don't even want to most of the time. Why is my body and mind so eager to stay alive? Even when so much shit hits and there's so much to face and live with.
Tonight I feel fragile and like hiding, tomorrow I have to a mummy, a proper mummy and I need to get my head into that space for Angels sake. I can't even imagine being able to go out alone, but I need to, I need to push, but why? I'm so confused, its the coming winter and there are germs everywhere and illness around every corner, why do I keep going knowing that it's only a matter of time before I get ill again or have to watch my daughter go through that.
*Sigh*
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