T went back to work on Thursday last week, but he decided to stay and work from home, especially as Angel had another rough night and she was running a very high, nasty fever. He took her to the doctors to get her checked out and we both spent most of the day looking after her and trying to be a patient as we could. Friday T went into work for the day and one part of me was dreading it, especially if Angel still wasn't very well, but another part of me was almost looking forward to it, to having some mummy Angel time; I can't help but be amazed at how far I have come to be wanting to be spending time alone with my little girl, to be feeling absolutely comfortable about it. I remember a time when I hated being on my own with her for only a few moments while T went to make a cup of tea.
Anyway she was brilliant for me, we played games and I got quite a bit of knitting done while I did one of my favorite things; watching Angel play (it always fascinates me). I ended up finishing off a knitted bird for her that I'd been making for ages as an on and off project and she helped me pick out the eyes for it and stuff it.
Saturday was set to be a busy day, we got up and had to do our weekly shopping. I also had to pick up some more supplies for my business so first stop was a huge craft store. I got what I needed even though I
was very edgy. From there we went to the supermarket nearest us, which used to be very small and the most comforting, safe shopping place for me to go to. However they have been adding extensions and changing it all round. The new toilets are done but they are at the very end of the shop away from everything else apart from the doors to get in and out. They still haven't finished so there were still the noises of people working etc but I made myself go around the shop and when I got more edgy I took myself off on my own to find things we needed that were nearer the exit. Despite panic I managed to stay in the shop for the whole visit and I helped on the checkout and even took Angel to the new toilets to encourage her potty training out and about as well as at home.
When we got home it was still early so we decided to go up to the postbox for a walk, we very rarely go on little walks all together as a family and I was looking forward to it. It was a nice calm walk, but before we got home I got a call from Kardi to tell me that he was already at our house (he wasn't supposed to be coming until after 12 and it was only half past 11). He walked up the road to meet us and still I kept calm. I knew that we would have to have lunch despite him being there, T was hungry, Angel was hungry and I was too. I made cheese on toast at Angel's request and I actually ate it, in front of Kardi and didn't feel self-conscious or panicky even afterwards.
Once Kardi had gone home, T and Angel went over to pick my sister P up as she was staying over that night. I made the dinner and did the housework then we all ate together when they got back. I was okay until it got to bed time then I worried a bit, but I ended up talking myself down before it got out of hand and we all went to bed quite late. (I'd had 1/4 lorazapam in the morning and that's all).
Sunday morning we were all up fairly early and P went out to meet her bf while T and I decided to take Angel to a park to have a walk in the fallen leaves. We arrived and we parked in a car park we do't usually park in, then I got out and we walked all three of us hand in hand through the trees and over the grass and leaves, just slowly meandering along. Angel spotted the playground and she went in that direction, usually I would panic about being around lots of people, especially lots of children, but I played with Angel, I helped her climb, up onto the slide and swung her on the swings for ages, while chatting to a man I'd met who was swinging his little boy on the swing next to Angel's. Eventually it was time to leave to get some lunch and although Angel had a bit of a tantrum it didn't last long and I asked T if we could stop off at a shop on the way home. I only wanted to pop in there and see if they had what I was looking for, so I got out the car alone and went in. I had a nice look around and found what I wanted then I came out and got me and T a baked potato to share. Angel had fallen asleep in her car seat and still feeling okay, but very hungry, I opened the food there and then and we ate it in the car at a busy retail park. Not only that but I also ate sweetcorn as part of it, and I haven't touched that since Angel was poorly after having it.
The day went on and it got to bedtime, I lay there beside T and told him how I hadn't had a panic attack all day, I don't remember the last time that happened, but more amazingly, I had been on no meds all day. T was proud and I couldn't help but feel a little proud of how far I have come in 8 months, from housebound
and panicked all the time to spending a whole day with my family doing normal family things on no meds.
All I can say is wow.
Yesterday T was in work all day and Angel and I took a slow leisurely walk to the post box and then the big park where we fed the ducks and Angel almost got bitten by a swan. We took an even longer walk home, just hand in hand, not really talking but both happily taking in our surroundings and just enjoying each others company. We did some baking in the afternoon and I introduced her to 'Hamma' beads.
Today wasn't so much of a success, T was working from home and Angel was acting up for him a lot, it was getting to me and I ended up with a nasty headache and no patience left. He went to his physio and it was like Angel was another child. I decided to get her into her pushchair to go and get some bread but only part way there on half a loraz, I was in a panic. I ended up meeting T when he came out of the medical center I wanted to go home but instead I pushed myself hard, I made myself walk all the way along the very long main road with Angel and T to the post office and shop. I was on edge an nervous but I did it, for them.
T and I decided that when he works from home in future he should work in the dining room out of sight of Angel, but that he should maybe start working in the office a little more, to give him the right kind of non distractive atmosphere for getting his work done and for Angel to behave herself. So tomorrow instead of T working from home as planed, he is going to be going into the office to work for the day and I can say that the only thing I'm worried about is that Angel will get ill while he isn't here, I mean ill as in tummy problems.... I guess I have to ask myself, can I cope with that alone? Have I come far enough that if she was sick I could look after her? Hold her? and comfort her? Stay calm and reassure her?Clean up and not show my fear or panic?
Right now, I feel like I could do that for her.... and that in itself is a huge step.
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