3 days, 3 fights

Saturday evening after I wrote my blog, I spent the rest of the time writing another blog, writing a chapter and a half of my book and doing a few other things to keep up with my work. By the time I went to bed I was feeling a tiny bit better for living in my fantasy world for a while. My wrist and fingers were hurting more than they had been during the day but I put it down to over use and RSI.

Sunday morning I didn't feel much like fighting but I put a plan together with Angel to go out and get some glue sticks, tissue paper and a few other things to do some craft activities this week. Angel liked the idea, especially after not going out the day before and I very reluctantly got in the car and panicked all the way to the shop, I had nail marks in my hand but nothing permanent. When we arrived I was a little put off by all the railings and stuff still up there from the work that they're doing to change my once safest supermarket. T parked as close to the door as we could get and he and Angel got out and went into the shop. I sat in the car trying to calm myself down, I took half a lorazapam and some aconite and had a smoke. T called me so that he could talk to me to try and distract me and I made myself get out of the car and walk inside the doors past the people collecting money and through the in only door where I was met with the bright lights and colours of the Christmas display. I set about looking around the Halloween things before meeting up with T and Angel and we had a good look around all the shiny pretties and then the toys and then the craft area. We found some lovely things then we went to pay before driving to a shop that we hadn't ever been to before. It's just off a very busy road and it has an in door which is next to the out door, but you have to like go round a maze to get to the out door again and they're automatic so no getting out of the in door. I was nervous but I could feel the lorazapam working and I bit the bullet, held Angel's hand and walked in. We had a look around and Angel started playing up because she needed to pee and she was hungry so we paid and came home. I actually ate my lunch on the way home, thanks to the meds I hadn't even thought about what I was doing until T pointed it out very proudly.
So that was fight one.

Fight 2 was yesterday (Monday). T was supposed to be working from home in the morning but I decided that it would be better and easier for me and Angel if I sent him into work, especially as he wasn't far away and I knew that if we needed him he could come to us in minutes. I knew the night before that I was gearing up for something and I woke up with a fight in me that was strong. Angel and I did our usual morning routine and took our time, then I got the big pram out and got everything ready. I would usually go through the little park or around the quieter streets by the post box but I was feeling more confident than usual especially with the lack of people around, presumably from the colder autumn weather. We walked past the medical center and the diggers and into the park where I let Angel out of the pram and we fed the ducks, geese and swans. It was nice and Angel and I had a giggle about the silly geese all trying to get near to us, and took pity on one that was limping, feeding it lots of bread.

I took a breath after that, had a drink and walked through the park and down the slope to the little supermarket that's on the edge of town. I was planning to get Angel a few magazines/workbooks which we work through together. I was very very nervous but I kept going, kept pushing forward and then we stood inside and I was looking through the magazines to find her the ones she would enjoy most while she stood looking at some others. She all of a sudden announced that she NEEDED A WEE! She had a nappy on but she decided that she needed to go to the toilet so I put her in the pram and rushed her into the nearby bus station and bless her, she held it all the way there. I was so proud of her and I let her know. I was feeling a lot calmer by the time we went back into the supermarket and I brought not only a few magazines for Angel but also one for myself, which I never do. I also went around the shop pushing the pram and holding the basket jointly with Angel while we got some little bits and bobs that we needed. I got a few looks for being mad enough to juggle everything all at once but I just felt like for once I was doing what a good mummy should do. A one point Angel tripped up and I ended up pushing the pram, carrying her and the basket! Fortunately I had all the patience in the world though even when I was banging into things and getting lots of looks. When we came to pay I went to the self serve checkout and I held Angel and let her beep all the items and press the screen and put everything into the bags. Again I got impressed and 'omg she's mad' looks and I could't help but giggle, I was having great fun and more importantly so was my Angel.
We got outside the doors and Angel fell over and I ended up damn near running everyone over while I cuddled and reassured her and hurried with the pram to a bench where I could give her my full attention. I sat there for a while, cuddling my little girl and kissing her poorly bits better then we walked hand in hand to the park again and I decide that we would go into the playground. Angel had a great time and was perfectly fine about only staying a short while before going to get lunch. I took pictures and even went on the swing with her, I hate going on swings but she wanted to and I told my emetophobia that going on a swing wouldn't cause me to be ill. We went home without any tantrums and then we had a lovely rest of the day. The best thing was not only was I a model mum and wife, I did it all on no meds at all.

Today was a little different though, I didn't wake up with the same fire in me as the day before, and for a while I didn't think I'd get out at all but despite all the things getting in my way I persuaded myself out of the door and up the road towards the doctors to pick up mine and T's prescriptions. I was very anxious and even as we walked things kept going wrong, like forgetting things and Angel dropping things and having to go back, I felt like everything was telling me I should go home.... I didn't listen and when I got to the pavement leading to the doctors I saw what I really didn't want to, s*** on the pavement in a few places and like a car crash, I looked. I still continued on to the Dr's and got the scripts but on the way back down I kept getting flashes of what could have happened, of someone being ill. It wasn't just that it was there it was that it was near the docs and I could have been someone going there or coming out of there and my head scream germs! GERMS! I felt like they were in the air coming off it and getting inside me.

I was intending to go straight home, I was on no meds and in a very fragile state but I guess I'm stupid or something because I went along the main road and into the big park to meet T on the way back from his meeting. I was very very panicky and couldn't make myself calm down no matter what I did, until T came into sight and the panic kind of slid away, that doesn't usually happen and it surprised me.
The rest of the day has involved eating very little and panicking quite a bit. My hand has gotten worse but I'm to terrified to even E-mail the doctor, I just want to leave it and see what happens, hopefully my sister won't moan at me too much to go to the doctors. At the moment I have decided to ignore it and go about everything normally, resting it didn't help so may as well use it.

Right now I'm feeling tired and worn down and I have another 3 days of Angel care before the weekend which might involve T going into work on call anyway. Hopefully a bit of writing or knitting tonight will give me much needed rest from reality and let me relax for a good nights sleep which I haven't had for as long as I can remember again... panicking every night.