Kick up the ass

After such a depressing entry last time I gave my anxiety a big kick up the ass, I ended up taking Angel out to the post box yesterday morning but felt calm enough to go further thanks to half a lorazepam. We ended up going home to pick up some bread for the ducks Before going to the park. I decided to take the pushchair with me which meant that if I felt up to it, i could go further. I also remembered to take some lunch out for Angel. I was terrified but with the help of Angel I managed to keep pushing forward and forward until we were in the centre of town. I wasn't hungry at all and in some ways that was a good thing. I managed to get the things that I wanted to get, then we came home. T had to go out just after we got back And despite saying he would be back earlier he wasn't home until after Angel was fast asleep in bed. I can clearly remember the time when having angel on my own even a couple of minutes was absolutely terrifying and now being able to look after her on my own all day and even in the evening and nighttime, it's amazing.

Today I had angel alone again as T had to go into work today. I was very nervous again but I kept pushing and I ended up taking Angel to the post office to post some letter sets id been commissioned to make.

We ended up spending all day together alone again as T didn't get home from work until 7:30, Once again after Angels bedtime.

When I was getting Angel to bed on my own I had a very strange thought, a thought that I never ever expected to have: Angel was playing up, complaining her tummy was poorly which of course made me worried that she felt unwell. But I thought to myself, no I can do this, if she gets poorly then I will deal with it and she won't see the side of me thats scared, And if I get it too then I will just deal with it.
I believe that's how I Felt for those few seconds But already the positive feelings are wearing off.