Last night only got worse, I was completely numb and uninterested in everything, even things that usually bring me up. I tried music and I tried writing and knitting but nothing worked and I ended up more depressed. I went to bed at 8.00pm because I didn't see the point in staying up any longer. I ended up using a blade on myself on my new favored spot then T decided to join me upstairs and unknowingly put a stop to what I was doing.
By the time I actually went to sleep I thought I'd gotten through the worst of it and that I'd wake up today feeling better. I thought I did at first and the morning went okay, even though we'd all been up early, especially T and Angel as he'd misread the time and let her get up before 5 in the morning. He went out to work and Angel and I just had a slow morning with me working on my knitting project which I've been commissioned to do and Angel playing with her little people and cars on the floor while eating snack and occasionally watching fireman sam on tv.
I wasn't intending to go out, I just didn't feel like I had the confidence or drive, but it got to 11.00 and I just felt like going out even if it was across the road to kick the leaves with Angel, so we got out coats on and went outside. We walked up the road the opposite way to what we usually go and through a big car park and out onto the pavement of a very very busy road. Angel was scared by all the cars and buses and bikes but she perked up when we walked past a pushbike shop and she was eyeing up a pink bike with a basket and shiny tassels which was in the window. She then announced she wanted to go home and we went back and had some lunch together (I actually felt like eating although Angel was very hungry and helped eat mine too).
She was absolutely exhausted after getting up so early and I though she would have a nap, I was hoping so, so that I could do some Yule shopping online and have a much needed shower. However, she spent the whole hour and a half messing around, shouting, whinging, moaning, playing up and generally doing anything but going to sleep. I'm not sure what it was about it, but something triggered me majorly. I tried texting a friend and I text T knowing that he had a meeting so he wouldn't be able to come home. (However I just found out a minute ago that he wasn't in a meeting at all, in fact he was just doing normal work that he could have been doing from home, but he hadn't came home even when I'd told him how I couldn't cope.)
I turned my phone off and sat on the floor crying while I listened to Angel playing up and messing around, not knowing what to do and feeling so alone. In that moment I just wanted to leave, I couldn't cope and I didn't know what to do.
I tried hurting myself but I couldn't even do that properly. I tried a sharper instrument but I still couldn't so I felt like a total failure on top of forlorn. I wanted to text my friend, text T but I kept my phone off and just cried.
In the end I managed to pull myself together enough to get Angel back out of her cot and take her downstairs where we had a bath. I hid all my pain and anger and upset and behaved like a proper mum, looking after her, feeding her, caring for her, getting the housework done and making dinner. T came home and he must be able to tell something is wrong by how quiet I am but I just don't have the energy to tell him what I did, he doesn't seem interested in finding out anyway, he doesn't even sound interested in what we did today, where we went out to. He's too busy playing on his phone, so here I am writing this blog before I finish my commission, do some writing and try and get a list together of things I need to get tomorrow, hoping that I can go out and get them otherwise we'll have no bread and no dinner.
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