My day today started off with me waking up very slowly, feeling groggy and exhausted. T seemed to be in a bad mood though and was snapping at Angel (not nasty just more then needed). This either triggered something in me from somewhere or I got protective. I pushed myself to get up quickly, pushing to wake up and do things. Within half an hour the kitchen was tidy, Angel was fed and the bottles had been made up then I had a shower and was feeling a lot more bouncy and happy. I decided that I felt happy and confident enough to dress unlike I do usually. I chose a pink long sleeve top and added a black short sleeved one over the top so the pink sleeves and bottom of the top were showing against the black. Then I put on some blue skinny jeans and my new beloved pale denim and pink trainers.
I realized just how early it was once I got downstairs so I worked on getting the rabbit cleaned out and some housework done to fill the time before the shops would be open. I was feeling very irritable and agitated when it came to T and I tried to push it away but all day it just keeps coming back. I know I love him, I know everything is okay, so why does it feel like it isn't?
We decided to kill time we would walk up to the postbox to post some letters then when we got home we went out in the car as planned. When we got to the shop to get the photos printed I had a surge of annoyance at T as I'd told him he needed to just have the photos on a memory stick on their own for ease and he's put them on a full one which meant the machine wouldn't read it. So we had to come back home, sort out a new stick then go back again, by which time Angel was very bored and in pain. (there was no anxiety when out and about). We brought baked potatoes from the stand outside the shop then drove him with a whining unhappy Angel in the back of the car.
We had our lunch which perked Angel up a little then she started getting upset again. T put her in the sling and I stood still, staring out of the window with my nails digging into my palm to stop me from making an excuse to go off on my own and hurt myself. I felt angry at T for no reason I could think of, angry at Angel because of her constant crying and moaning, and very very very angry at myself for my anger and bad feelings. In the end we went outside to walk around in the street, up and down, up and down, in the sun. I knew if I came back in at that point I would self-harm, I could already feel it.
Why do I feel so cold and numb and angry towards T? What has he done? Apart from the fact that he's leaving me alone with Angel all weekend next weekend to visit his family. It hurts that he's leaving us. I hurt because I don't feel I'm good enough, I don't feel I can cope. I am so selfish I don't care that its his mum's birthday, i want him here with us so we can have a normal weekend. I want him with me. I'm going to loose my temper with Angel, she deserves so much better and I can't let her go with him because I'm too scared of being alone, of being without my reasons to live, of her catching something and getting ill, of T not being able to cope with her alone with her travelling and then staying in a new place,of her while routine getting ruined and having to fight for weeks to get it back. I'm angry because he wants to go see him family and I really don't want him to leave us.
While another part of me wants him to so i can prove to myself that I can do this alone, that i don't need him. Or to give me time alone to do things he doesn't like me doing.
I feel so out of control, I want to push everyone away.
No comments:
Post a Comment