It's a rainy, dull, grotty day today. Angel has been driving me mad since she got up. I don't know what's got into her, maybe a demon but she's whining and moaning and crying for no reason, not real crying, fake uh huh huh crying like George pig from Peppa pig.
We popped to the shop to get some ingredients and I thought i'd get Angel to help me bake and then do some more fun things which is what we usually do on wet days. She wasn't very interested though. Once the rain had mostly stopped I decided to get us outside for a walk in the hope it would calm us both down as I was feeling very fraught and agitated. It was nice walking but still Angel kept tripping over, moaning etc etc grrr. Thankfully I didn't feel at all panicky. We came home and I made her some lunch. She ate a little more than usual but still messed it about a lot. A little while later I thought yay nap time, time for some me time, I can write and have time to relax a bit and calm my mood down before it goes into self-harm. But she isn't sleeping this nap time, instead she is rolling around in her cot squealing and moaning and behaving very badly.
Let me take a break from the crap in my mind, seeing as i can't in real life. I'm still worrying about the dentist although I'm unsure whether I'll be going or not. My tooth hasn't hurt for a few days now. I'm tempted to go anyway and have a check up as there are a few iffy teeth but I'm not sure it is worth going through or not. I'll see how i feel in the morning and won't worry until then.
On the 4th of May we have a funeral to go to in Norfolk. But T has brought some thoughts up in my mind from his blog. Why can we make it work to go up there for a funeral but we couldn't for his mum's birthday party?
If I'm honest, as horrible as it sounds I would rather be going through the stress of travelling all that distance for a holiday instead. We missed out on a holiday last year and I'm feeling the lack. Travelling is difficult for me, presses major triggers and sets me off bad. I know I will be panicky and have to dose up majorly. Not only that but if we go to Norfolk to see his family and go to the funeral, we will have a choice, spend money we don't have on a hotel or stay in his parents house. His parent's house presses more major buttons than travelling. Almost every time we have visited in the past we have come home with sickness bugs or even worse had them while we're there. The house is loud and crowded and full of very bad memories and PTSD issues i am still not over and not sure I ever completely will be. We will be staying in the rooms we stayed in when I was the illest I have ever been. We will be using the bathroom that I used when I was so ill I couldn't breathe or walk. I don't know if I can do that. But what is the other option. Me looking after Angel while T goes again?
So coming back around to my reward for looking after Angel all weekend alone the other week. Next week T has taken a few days off work. The idea was to send me away to a hotel for a few nights for a 'writers retreat'. For hours of writing time, undisturbed and alone.
However I'm terrified, I have never spent the night away from Angel before and I've never spent the night away from the house without T with me. What if I hate it? What if I come home and T has been so soft on Angel he's changed her routine and I have to set everything back again? What if I like it? What If I'm greedy and the time I get isn't enough for me and I can't get back into home life again?
I'm not in the best of moods at all today and I know if I go on I will continue writing only my worries and fears and moaning. I guess this all means I need to talk to T.
Thanks for reading my ranting. xxx
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