Broken

Today one of my fans touched on something that made me stop and think. She told me that the raw pain and emotion I got into my latest published chapter is so real and vivid. She said that my character must be so broken inside. It wasn't until reading it back over I realized that I had to do was change the name from my character to mine and it would be me a few years younger than he is in the book. Scared to eat in the house with his family, scared to use the toilet or bathroom facilities, creeping round and hiding from them all so they can't throw the equivalent of bricks at him with their words. Stealing and hiding food so he can eat, making himself ill from starvation and not doing normal human functioning like going to the toilet and sleeping. The only thing he looks forward to is cutting himself, hurting himself in anyway and when he isn't being hurt at home he's being bullied at school and living through hell there too. I never intended him to be that person, in my previous book I was concerned because I couldn't identify with him at all, because this is the sequel it has gone back in time but in my previous book he is older and someone who I didn't recognize or identify with. Someone strong, hardened and confident, someone who I now know is hurting like hell inside, especially watching the love of his life but without being able to be with him, but who hides it and cries internally.
Maybe that's why I'm struggling to come back to myself right now, because I'm confused, I'm stuck back there in the past. I'm always stuck in the past.

Today he goal was for me and Angel to walk to the post office to take a parcel to send to a friend. But when we got up it was pelting down outside and did so most of the day so T took it and posted it in the car on the way home from work instead, which means, apart from feeding bunny, I haven't been out of the house at all today. I just feel so tired, so mentally drained, like I can't even try. I'm not sure if it's the weather or whether I'm still suffering with what ever lurgy attacked me a few days ago, when I couldn't stop coughing. That seems to mostly be gone now, but in it's place is a nasty earache, tiredness and imbalance.

For the last few days I've been wracking my brains to come up with a solution for staying at T's parents house, in that PTSD trap. I know if I go, I won't sleep, I won't eat (which will be double hell for travelling especially when I tend to get travel sickness). I know that I won't use the toilet there, I know I won't be able to communicate or let Angel do very much in the main house. I know I won't cope and I know what a huge risk that is to how far I've come just lately. What state will I come back in? When all I can think to do is cut too deep so I can get out of going, perhaps falling down the stairs and breaking something. If I put myself in a lot of pain then we won't go, or if we will I will have the pain to focus on. So with that in mind, should I go? T said he doesn't want to go alone but if I can't go then he will just take Angel alone.
I'm so damn weak. he needs me and what am I doing? Worrying about myself.
And to top off how selfish I am, when he suggested he take Angel alone I thought to myself, that means more days off, and this time at home, which will be a lot less panicky. Selfish. If I was to stay on my own again, would I even come back to myself when I'm finding it so hard this time? Will it be easier with it being in my house? What shall I do? I wish there was someone who could tell me.

All I can think about right now is hurting myself, I'm supposed to be working, writing, but all my character can do is think about hurting himself. Only difference being, he has made a promise to try to stop, I haven't. He has no blades to hand, I do.