The plan had been to go to a big park to let Angel play and run around and feed the ducks and swans. However I spent the whole night having nightmares about there being a big street parade thing, lots of crowds outside and someone getting very sick. Then me feeling like I've been infected with it and standing in front of the crowds knowing I'm going to be ill.
When I woke up it felt very real and then when we were going to go out we realized that the Sikh street parade was on. We knew nothing of it until we looked outside and saw they were all gathering, crowds and crowds of people, just like in my dream. I felt really wibbly because it was so similar. We came to the conclusion that with them all shutting the roads off that we probably would have problems getting back home if we went out in the car. So T took Angel out for a walk in the pram while I did a load of housework and got the BBQ out ready for lunch. In my dream I had gone around to the shop and it was when I was walking back round to our house that there was vomit. So I got myself ready and went around the shop in real life to challenge it. To say look it didn't really happen. Then I met T and Angel on the way back from the shops and we went a little way up the road to watch the start of the parade. There were loads and loads of people, cars, noise from the drums, children and big vans and things. It was lovely to watch but terrifying, standing there like in my dream with my tummy feeling wibbly from the dream still and having a panic attack. I stood my ground though, I made myself stand there and pushed so that I didn't move until the whole parade had gone past. It was hard but I did it.
I helped get the BBQ ready then and as soon as the panic had died down I managed to eat a fair amount of food. Then it started raining and Angel and I got cold, so we jumped into the bath together for the first time in a long time. Challenging the PTSD from having her in the bath.
Unfortunately and I have no idea why I then spent a lot of the evening panicking for some reason. It came on suddenly and I kept doing little jobs and things to distract myself but it was horrible and the first time I'd felt like that in ages. Angel finally broke me of it with her usual happy gigglyness and then we put her to bed and T helped me pack my things for tonight and tomorrow night.
Last night I ended up feeling panicky again from about 10 until half past 1 in the morning. So i had a lot of trouble waking up this morning and made T a little late for work.
I was so slow starting, I felt so weak and worn down. Like all the confidence I've had over the past few weeks/months has all drained away from me and it's just the old weak, scared me left. I felt like I was letting myself down, because I'd planned to take Angel to the small supermarket not far away to get some things to make T his favorite tonight for dinner as a surprise, but I really wasn't feeling confident enough to even go out of the door, or to the end of the road. I listened to my panic audio a little and got our bags ready and thought, we'll just go to the post box then come home, if I'm not up to more. I was terrified but a friend was texting me at the time and I found that very distracting and it helped keep me calm enough to want to go into the little park after the post box. I went from there out onto the main road and remembered that the convenience store/post office up the road from there might sell the things I want to T's special lasagna. I decided to go up that way instead and try that shop. I was anxious but went in and managed to find what I wanted. We walked home from there a slightly longer way as I was feeling more confident and definitely more relaxed.
Angel's nap time has been a nightmare so far today. She's cried almost non-stop despite me giving her paracetamol for her teething and a teething ring, and teething gel. She'shad cuddles, refuses her milk and had me in tears with not knowing what to do. I'd really wished that she wasn't so much trouble when I'm supposed to be going away later, I'll feel more guilty leaving her with her dad alone if she's like this and it will break my heart to leave her in pain and upset, even more than it will anyway.
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