Up swing

Yesterday (Friday) my goal was to go shopping. The idea had been for T to sit in the cafe while I did the shopping with Angel then we meet up at the checkout to pay. However after a very bad night and a very slow start I decided I preferred the idea of being in charge of the shopping but T staying with us and having half a lorazapam. We walked around and although I got a little nervous towards the back of the shop, I stayed in control, pushing the trolley and gathering the shopping while entertaining Angel and talking to her. We then came home and had a house viewing which didn't cause any panic in me at all. It's strange to think that a year ago when the house went onto the market I was terrified of people viewing the house, I used to panic like mad when ever there was a viewing.

I'm not sure what made me do it but I invited my dad for dinner. Usually having someone round for food stresses me out a lot. But I asked him and he said yes. I decided to make my homemade pizza. Throughout the afternoon I worked on the dough and then when dad got here, a bit earlier than I expected I got it all ready and put it in to cook with some fries. It was lovely just talking to dad and I didn't feel even a little panicked. T served the food and we all sat down and ate, even Angel ate a fair amount for once. I ate well too, and surprised myself but I felt so relaxed.

I managed to finish the painting that I was working on last night and get a tiny bit of writing done. I wanted to post the picture on here. I find it uplifting and I think I might put it up on either the living room or the bedroom wall. I'd love to sell it but it's a little too close to my heart.

Today there wasn't a real goal except to go out without any lorazapam. We got up fairly late and I had a shower then got the bags ready. As well as having two pancakes for breakfast which is double how much I usually have and I usually panic about that.

We got in the car and without any messing around went out. We had a look round a shop then despite the time getting on and me usually worrying about Angel acting up because she's getting hungry, I felt relaxed and laid back and suggested we try a few more shops for what we were after. We drive across to the shops and we got out and looked around one, then i suggested T drive across to the other ones while I walk with Angel and look in a few other shops along the way. Considering that I used to hate being more than a few feet from the car and had to know where it was parked and have T with us at all times, I'm quite pleased with myself for being so relaxed and coping so well. After the shops and we manged to get what we wanted I started to get really hungry and surprised myself a lot by how much I ate for lunch and how many different colors I had and still didn't worry about it.

I think I may have hit my generally up phase seeing as for the first time last night, despite yet another bloody tooth breaking and needing dentist attention as well as the front one hurting like hell still, I felt that I'm scared of the dentist, I don't like it but I'm not totally terrified like its the end of the world. That is like everything else a hell of an improvement, but maybe it is just my up phase.

For now, I'm hoping to stay upbeat for as long as possible. It's nice having improved confidence just in the tiny every day things and it's something I will never take for granted like most people who have never experienced the type of thing I've dealt with on a hourly basis.