Working things out

Yesterday I didn't blog, T and I had a night just watching one of our favorite movies on the sofa in the dark with the fairly lights on. During the day the plan had been to go to the shopping park nearby to look for a rain coat for Angel, so we're not stuck in the house when it rains. But only T was up early enough because the car needed taking into the garage before eleven. I suggested that we all go up there in the car and then walk back together, maybe going a bit further on the way back. T thought it was a good idea and off we went. I was on a quarter of a lorazapam and determined I wouldn't be taking any more. I was a bit wibbly about leaving the car there and walking back, especially when I realized that it was further than I'd first thought but I concentrated on Angel and we walked most of the way home then detoured to the post box, then from there through the little park and out onto the main road where I deliberated between heading home of walking in the opposite direction to the post office where T wanted to go. I decided to take the risk and go further and although Angel and I waited outside the post office instead of going in I did it okay and from that point on wards felt fine walking home, munching crisps and sweets and chattering away. We got a call later about the car and it turned out that it needed nearly £500 work done and we had no choice but to pay for it. Then when T picked it up he realized that there was more work that it needed that hadn't been done so it's going back in tomorrow morning for work again. I also spent a lot of the afternoon, cleaning, tidying and sorting out all of Angel's old baby things to sell and then onto mine and T's bedroom and my clothes. The room is looking much tidier and I got rid of a load of things I was holding onto but didn't really need. I always find that hard but with the meds making my OCD a bit better I'm making the most of the tiny amount of freedom. 


Today we got up and the weather was completely atrocious! It was peeing it down and windy and nasty but I was still hoping that we could go out in the car. We all got into the car okay, but i was feeling a but icky. I wasn't sure if it was panic or something else, as is always the worry. But after listening to my hypnotherapy calming thingie and doing my breathing, I concluded that it felt more physical than mental and I decided to stay home. I don't regret that decision, it felt right at the time and although the feeling passed a while after, there would have been no point in pushing things when the issue wasn't mental and could have pushed me backwards again. 


This entry from here on is mostly going to be me going on about going to Norfolk, listing the reasons and things that terrify me and trying to break it down to work out whether to risk going or not. To work out just how much of a risk it is. T has told me to work it all out so that by tomorrow night we have a plan so I don't have to worry any more, I think he's fed up of seeing me making myself feel ill with worry. So here goes:

1. The house - 

* We know now that we definitely don't have the money for a hotel stay because of the price of getting the car fixed - This now means I have no choice but to stay in that house. 


*We found out that there are minimal cooking facilities in the kitchen upstairs for us to use but I don't want the grief of trying to explain why I refuse to eat or let T or Angel eat their food that they make. But main thing is, after I've arrived and cleaned the whole thing and keep other people out, we'll have a clean cooking place for Angel and T to be fed from. 


* Can I  be in there with the same bathroom, same rooms, same sounds and same smells. Can I cope with that? Or will my mind disappear into the past?


* Staying in the house has a major potential of getting ill, whether I go with T and Angel or not, it still poses a risk. But if I was to get ill, it would be so much better to be in my own home, my own safe space where the environment is safe. 


* The thought of picking something up there bothers me so much that I know i will be scared to eat in case I bring it back up. I know I will be scared to go out in case I get ill away from a bathroom. I know I will be scared to sleep in case I get ill in the night and make a mess because I don't manage to get to a safe space to be ill. I know I will be major picky of Angel mixing with people, and touching things, it will be a full time job and I know I will come across as the full on over protective mum. 


* I will have to have lorazapam to do the journey as well as anti-emetics which knock me out. I will have to have lorazapam when I get there and then at bedtime to have a hope in hell of sleeping. I know I'll have to have one to deal with the funeral and the wake then again to sleep that night. I'll need some to get me through the next day and then the next night. And finally I will need more to get home and another anti-emetic. All that lorazapam will mean on heck of withdrawal symptoms for the following week or so. Headaches, tiredness, panic, anxiety, wanting to self-harm etc etc. 


* I know, no I think I can do it if I need to. But what will be the after effects, apart from the withdrawal of meds. Will I be so far backwards I have to go through all that hard work again to get back to where I am now? Will I go further back than before? Is there a chance I'll be fine? i'm sure there's a small chance somewhere floating around but I'm not entirely convinced. 

2. Travelling - 

*Will I cope with travelling so far when only going as far as half an hour away has me panicking and I've not traveled more than half an hour away in over two years. 


* Angel has never traveled more than half an hour away, how will she react? Will I cope if she plays up? What if she gets travel sick? I've always found in the past that if there is someone else to worry about (it used to be my sister) it makes me a hell of a lot worse myself. 


* The travel home will be the worst after not eating a lot over the weekend and probably not sleeping either, then the worry that I've picked something up, or Angel has and we will get ill on the way home like what happened before. 

3. Other points - 

* If I'm really that anxious and panicky, will I  be able to go to the funeral and the wake?


* I feel like I'm weak and I need to pull myself together but that is the reason T has asked me to write this all out, so we can work it out with clear heads as to what is the best option for all of us, not just for this week but for the coming weeks, the future and how I'll be after the experience. 


* I feel like I need to be there for my baby girl, in case she does get ill, in case she can't sleep in a different place, in case she doesn't travel well and because both T and her are my anchors to this world and I hate the thought of being so far away from them. I should be around to help if she doesn't like the travelling or plays up in the car. I should be around to help if she has trouble sleeping there day and night. I should be there to support both T and Angel. But should I be there to do all of that at the expense of me losing myself along the way, even if just temporarily? One half of me says yes and another half says no. 


* His family will think I'm a failure as a mother and wife if I can't go. Or at least I'll feel like they think it and no matter how much other people's opinions shouldn't bother me and I pretend they don't, they do, a lot. 


I'm so confused about what is the right thing to do for the final result. I don't feel like I'm ready for this. I wish there was someone to tell me what to do, someone to obey because I hate making decisions.