Mixed emotions

My goal for today was to go to a set of shops and look around while T worked.
We got up a little later than expected but we got going and I got the bags ready. The shops were mostly empty when we got there and started walking around. I let Angel walk rather than putting her in the pushchair and she enjoyed charging around the shops freely, although she was a little bit of a handful at times. We went in quite a few shops, everywhere we wanted to go and more, even with my being dizzy probably because I hadn't had a proper breakfast. I nibbled crisps and didn't really feel that panicky, even when I popped into a changing room in a shop very far away from the car. I had 0 lorazapam and apart from feeling annoyed and stressed at times I was fine. Angel and I got some lunch for T and for us and I ended up trying several different foods with her before reverting to a jar of baby food which she ate half of then had some dessert.

So why when this morning was such a success, do I feel so depressed and aggravated now? Why can I never be happy? I'm so much like her and her inability to appreciate the things that she has. So here with the depressing music again and the urge to hurt myself. Today, because I deserve it. I deserve being in pain with my teeth. I deserve to hurt, to be scarred and to be alone. I don't deserve what I have.

 presume this mood came about because of how tired I'm feeling and how much I feel like I need a break that I'm too afraid to ask for because i don't believe I deserve it. I will clean, everything and anything until I have done enough to deserve everything I have. I need to hurt.