I'll start where I left off.
Friday Angel woke up quite late and we made dinner and had a slow evening just playing and reading books before she went to bed. I then intended to get a load of writing done but I ended up having a major tidy up of the bedroom and a sort out of some of my clothes. Then I spoke to T on the phone then I finally did a little bit of scrappy writing, nothing impressive or long and to be honest I'm not entirely sure when the night went.
Saturday (yesterday) morning Angel woke me up before 7am and I got her up and fed, dressed and ready for the day before 9 so just before 9 we went out for a walk to the post box. I decided to take her on foot because I didn't intend to go far and I'd underestimated how poorly she was feeling still. We went up to the post box past a busy crowd of people at the mosque, gathering for a wedding (i didn't panic about passing so many people at all). Then from the post box we went through the little park and out onto the main road. Then down past the medical center to the big park where all the ducks and geese and swans are. We went into the park and walked around looking at the birds then Angel said she wanted to go on the swings so we went into the empty play area and she had a little play on different things but she was already so tired from the walking that she didn't seem so interested. We walked back out of the play area and by that time Angel decided she'd had enough and wanted me to carry her. We walked back past the medical center, through the car park and back home. I was pretty amazed that I'd done it all without any lorazapam at all.
When we got home we played 'shopping', we set out her play food and then she put what she wanted into the trolley with her baby then we packed that into bags then from there she packed it all into her car. I got some lovely pictures and we had a lovely time.
Unfortunately it all started to go downhill from there. My dad text and asked if he could come round in an hour to bring Easter eggs, that was fine and then me and Angel went round to the shop while we waited. She slipped over on the floor in the shop and smacked her head off the shelf, I comforted her and she was okay again. But her balance seemed totally out and she just kept falling and tripping for the rest of the hour. I then made her lunch of ravioli which she usually loves but she didn't seem interested in eating and just kept saying "No." So I gave up and made her some cheese on toast which she never refuses, just to get something into her. She started eating a little then my dad turned up and she just started crying, and almost making herself ill, getting upset. So i took her out of her highchair and she curled up on my lap, and kept climbing up me and hiding and crying and over heating. I felt so pissed that she was behaving that way when my dad was there and although I feel like I dealt with it okay, I felt like I was being judged. She got worse and I ended up stripping her down and dosing her up with painkillers until she was on the maximum dose and was still crying and rolling around in my lap and she was all limp and just didn't seem to be able to hold herself up. I didn't panic but I did wonder whether I was going to have to call the hospital or something. It was hard work, both mentally and physically draining. My dad went and after standing outside waving bye to him Angel finally cooled down and we went back inside where she calmed down and although was still moaning and crying wasn't as bad. She had her nap and then perked up a bit in the evening although she still refused to eat very much for dinner and I was at a loss as to what to give her after trying all her usual favorite foods. Oh yes and realizing that I'd been stupid earlier in the day and left the freezer open so a lot of it had defrosted.
She got in such a state with her dinner that I ended up giving her another bath with lots of soothing lavender and she enjoyed that and then it was time for bed. I took her up then had a talk with T over the phone before his mum's surprise party then I finished the housework and had a shower. It was relaxing and although I had to keep an ear out for Angel as she was still awake and rolling around in her bed singing and talking to herself, it helped me out I think. I then got into some writing for a while.
Before I went to sleep T and I had a text conversation about what time he was coming home and it was agreed that he would be home for lunch time which would mean he could bring some fries home for Angel which she would definitely eat. I was feeling more relaxed because I knew it would make it so much easier on me.
I was woken up at 5 but thankfully Angel went back to sleep, so I got a bit more rest too. Then we got up and made some breakfast which Angel messed about and didn't eat much of so I was looking forward to some help at lunch time.
Unfortunately T text me at 11 which was a few hours after he was supposed to be leaving to get home in time and said that he was about ready to leave. Apparently he doesn't remember the text conversation we had last night and he is only just on his way back now after I told him he could stay another night if he wanted to because I was so peed off with him for messing me around and saying he would be back at a time and he wasn't again. (its one of those things that he does very often and it makes me feel so low and insignificant).
So I had to sort Angels lunch out, I made a fish pie which she refused to eat then i tried her with chips but she wouldn't have those either then she just moaned and cried and played up for me until I put her in her cot for her sleep. She isn't even sleeping, just rolling about making noises, but at least I have a little peace I guess even if she really does need the rest to get better.
I'm feeling so angry at T and so upset wit Angel even though it isn't her fault she isn't feeling very well and my mood isn't her fault, its my usual down swing coming on combined with T's stupidness.
I really really just want to hurt myself, I can't think of anything else I'd prefer to do right now. I've been fighting the craving since last night and although something I read helped the urge a bit I just want to hurt.
I ended up having to use butterfly stitches on the last cut I made and I can't get out my mind how nice it felt. My amount of self harming has increased and the severity of the harm also has too.
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