Oooooh,. scary, excited, scared, excited, scared, arrrrrrrrgggggg

The title of today's entry says it all really. I'm feeling the tension in my shoulders today from worrying about going to T's families house in Norfolk for the funeral. But after talking through it A LOT, T told me he doesn't want to go alone. I think he's more upset than he's been letting on. 
So I have decided that I AM going. I'm absolutely terrified but I need to do it for him, even if it means getting worse and having to work my ass off to get back to where I am now. So on the 4th of May we are going in the car for a long journey to hell for a few days. A friend has agreed to pop round and look after the animals for us. She's amazing and has taken a load off my shoulders with that!!! 


Phew, so what else did I do today? Well we didn't plan in a very eventful day but T did agree to take me for my 2nd driving lesson today. I had no anxiety and it was actually scary but a lot a lot a lot of fun. T was laughing at my giddy enthusiasm and I got as far as emergency stops (I was told I was perfect at, I'm glowing with pride), driving around and around a car park, both right and left and pulling into parking spaces, oh yes and reversing into spaces. I even had to do a real emergency stop when a car came out of nowhere and I stopped safely before T had even said anything to me. I felt very positive and walked across the large car park with Angel to go into the supermarket. T took Angel into the changing room to sort her nappy while I said (without having the car keys to hand), that I would go and get the few things we needed. I didn't feel anxious at all and I was on 0 lorazapam. Even when I couldn't find T and Angel again because T had popped to the toilet too. We came home and I ate like a pig again then I spent some more time worrying and Angel's entire sleep time trying to get T to convince me that I should take the break he's been offering me in return for having Angel all weekend while he went to his mum's party in Norfolk. 


In the end he managed to talk me into agreeing to go to the writers retreat. I'll be staying in a hotel alone from Monday evening until Wednesday afternoon. So two whole days and nights alone. I have never been away from Angel for even a night, or even three hours at a time and I have to admit I'm terrified! My little baby, I keep thinking I can't leave her, I can't leave my warm husband. But he thinks it is the best thing for me to get away a while. So he booked the room, well actually it's like a small apartment with a bedroom, bathroom, desk and kitchen. Wifi is available too. I'm sooooooo scared and a little excited. I need to pack my things tomorrow as I won't have time on Monday, I'll have Angel on my own all day while T works and I might do something special with her, although not sure what yet. (accepting ideas). So I won't have chance to pack that day. So tomorrow it is. 


T said to me, it will only take about 15 mins, little does he know! I'm, a TYPICAL woman when it comes to packing. I take EVERYTHING. You know, just in case............


So I have made a list and so far there is a LOT on it. I'm wondering what to take to wear, be adverterous as its my special time off? Or stick to comfy stuff? Hmmm better take both. He he.... and food, well what might I like...... I could fancy anything. And I need lots of snacks too, writing = snacks. And I will want to take other things to do too, in case I need a break from writing or time to plan in my mind before I write the next bit, so knitting, that means wool, needles and a book. painting, that means paints, brushes and pads. DVD's?  Music? 


What if I don't know what to do with all that time alone and I end up wasting it? What if I get lonely? What if a murderer gets in and kills me in the night? Take a weapon!! What if the world ends or the zombie Apocalypse comes and I'm not with my little family?...............Okay, now I'm getting kinda rantish and a little  bit of my overactive imagination is showing. But seriously, arrrgggggg.