Rocking

I've spent the last half an hour, sitting in the shower rocking and crying. My tooth hurts again, and over today it's gotten steadily worse despite painkillers. Anything vaguely warm or cool sets it off worse and Angel has knocked it at least once.

I'm so completely terrified of needing to go back to the dentist. When I actually ask myself what I'm afraid of I can't answer myself. But I guess that is a phobia, something that is un-explainable and senseless. What do I think will happen? That my panic will make me sick? That there will be pain? That I won't be able to escape? I know my dentist is a good man, he is caring and gentle with me and he explains it all and understands my predicament. So why am I afraid? And I'm back to the beginning without an answer.

Why would I rather kill myself than go back? Why do i want to cut until I am physically unable to go back until I've recovered then do it all again? Why do I want to sit in the corner of a dark room and rock and cry until I can't cry any more and my eyes burn but the tears are all dried up?

Right now I can't cope with this. I want to take my meds early so I fall asleep and can't panic or become more depressed. I hope tomorrow brings something better for me and all my shitty OCD bad luck gets lost.