A week in someone else's shoes

*** warning - disgustingly positive content*** 

I don't know where the 'new me' is coming from but I took Saturday and the triggering events and clawed my way back from it so that Sunday morning I was already back to alright. Not 100% because when am I ever but I was okay and we decided to go swimming in the morning and I had some breakfast, my usual coffee and biscuits (yep crammed full of calories) and took no meds except at usual morning dose of aconite. Swimming is I ally a huge huge scary for me but I got in there, got changed and got angel changed and then got in. Simple as that, no worrying or procrastinating, more than a normal person would but for me, it doesn't count. It was the first time I think in ever that I've been swimming and not had a single panic attack. I was okay, just okay. 

We had some lunch after we came out then we went over to the arcades in the afternoon and angel ended up having a nap so off I went on my own in my teenie royal blue mini shorts, white ballet shoes and stroppy vest and I spent hours just playing on the 2p machines. Despite having had lunch etc I was 'normal'.  Angel and T joined me when angel woke up and we played some more before going for a meal at a nice cafe. I ate not just well but very well and then despite being full, properly full we went for a walk around the funfair, not to go on anything, I'm terrified of all rides and not just emetophobically, I just hate them generally. They are places that cause panic attacks but they stayed away and angel got to look round and we brought some candy letters. I was by this point wearing my bright red thigh length coat over my earlier clothes and it looked suspiciously like I was wearing nothing under my blood red coat, couldn't stop giggling. 

Monday everything turned a little pear shaped, we went out to the sealife centre in the morning and those places scare me, it's one way in and out and no places to hide really. I took half a loraz.. I think, can't remember so well now. We brought our tickets and went in and I felt quite calm once past the coach loads of school children on their school trips. It was very busy because of all the trips and children but I managed to keep calm enough to enjoy myself and Angel and T enjoyed theirselves too.

The way home wasn't nice though, angel and T were both in bad moods and my mood was dropping too. They pair of them peed me off to the point of me asking for the car to be stopped and for them to calm down then we set off again but angel was still moody and daddy obsessed so I got out the car and walked back to the caravan where they had both calmed down and were in much better moods, I however was stuck I'm that frame of mind until I managed to shake it off and eat something for a late lunch. Then I decided we would go out to the lavender farm to have a look around the shops, after feeling poo in the car earlier, I'm not sure where the confidence to get straight back in again came from. :/  The weather was nice still when we got back so we spent the last hours of the afternoon outside playing with Angels new pink spiky ball. It was a juvenile game of kicking and throwing the ball but we all had great fun and it was nice just to be able to do something simple that we all could get involved in. 

Tuesday we went to the beach in the morning and like with everything else I used to barely set foot on the sand before I would panic, but I didn't. I sat down playing in the sand, I went to the edge of the sea, I picked up stones and shells and just watched Angel and T playing. It was lovely and I was reluctant to come back for lunch but my hunger got the better of me. 

The afternoon was hot and very humid, we were going to go out but decided to just sit in the sun. We got too got very quickly though and angel asked for her water pistol, well it went wetter from that point. I squirted T so he got me back right up my skirt! So I sneaked inside and filled a cup with cold water and snuck back out and threw it over him teehee. He squealed like a girl! This then erupted into a huge running chase game of a water fight lasting ages and ending in all three of us soaked through and shivering. I haven't laughed that much in ages. 

The night wasn't so good, I started feeling a bit 'ill' and it got worse and worse until by the end of the night I was as T calls it 'episodic'. I was having a lot of trouble distinguishing what was real from what wasn't, I was confused about where we were and couldn't even picture home. I was convinced I was going to die so I got Angel in our bed and snuggled down with both her and T and went to sleep safe in the knowledge that if I never woke up again I had the best possible few days before and had fallen asleep in the best possible place. 

I woke up on Wednesday morning, as you might have guessed. Sounds silly now but at the time it was terrifying and the feeling of doom is still very fresh and painful. Wednesday it's self started scary, we'd planned to go to a big indoor soft play area for Angel and T's mum and dad were going to meet us there after lunch for the afternoon. I was finding it hard to get out, convinced that my feelings from the night before we're returning and that id get 'ill'. I took an anti dizzy tablet and half a loraz and bit the bullet and went. The place was jam packed and we struggled to find any space to put our bag and shoes. T took Angel off to meet Peppa pig and then into the huge play area. I sat sipping cold water, panicking and trying to calm down. I did it, I calmed myself enough to be able to take over with Angel when T had to nip back to the caravan to get Angel a spare pair of clothes. I coped on my own in a massive warehouse sized place in a maze of an indoor adventure playground which was 5 stories high, with my daughter, on my own and with hundreds of kids everywhere. Looking back now I'm astounded but more scary, I think I could do it again. I even got chatting to a few other mums there which was nice.

 The next feat of the day was ordering me and Angel some food and ordering T's which I had to have made up for him specially. I didn't just order if though... I are it and I ate well, very well. Then shockingly went back on the play area.  

T's mum and dad then arrived and we went round the shops before coming back to the caravan and getting changed to walk down to the beach and then for a meal in a resteraunt. 

It was all very nice, I pushed my boundaries by wearing a skirt and 3 inch heels, down to the beach too ( I know I'm mad) but I enjoyed the change instead of being scared by it. And I are the meal, very well, it's the best I've ever done eating out and it was with his parents too. 

Today is Thursday and we took a ride up to the shops 15 mins away. I again was on edge and worried about my tummy but I got out of the car and faced it head on. I managed to get everything I was looking for for presents then we drove to the arcades to park up and walk down to the beach where we had a picnic, my first ever on the beach and no panic. We then played in the sand then went to the arcades before coming home and getting ready to go swimming. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record now but I was okay, a but nervous but no more than that. I got in and got on with the fun. 

I've been packing most of the night, ready to leave tomorrow and go back home. I'm looking forward to seeing Dyson but not to seeing some of the family that have been causing problems, I'm dreading going back to things being broken or something :(. For now though I'm going to hold onto the fact that this holiday although its had its ups and low downs has been lovely and I've done better than I expected. 

Tomorrow might mean no more confidence, no more normal but at least I know I've had this. 

I was even confident enough to take control in the bedroom tonight, again a first. 

I don't recognise who I am right now, I am the person I told T I would never have a hope of becoming and I don't hate her. I just want to get all of this down and recorded so that when I drop to rock bottom again ( because it will happen) I have something in words to look back on and say, I did have it all for that time.