I don't understand

I shouldn't be here now. I shouldn't be trying to smile let alone go out and do things. I dont understand how I'm keeping going. I don't remember the last time I slept more than an hour at a time, I don't remember when I last went to bed and fell asleep without nightmares, panic or insomnia. I don't remember the last time I ate because I enjoyed it and bit just to stop blood sugar dropping too low. I cook for T and Angel,clean and look after the animals but right now Im not on my list of things to care for. I just don't understand any of it.