FFing pissed off.

This is more likely to be a rant than a blog entry but I guess it will be a good thing to get the feelings out.
This week has swam by on the puddles caused by the relentless rains and blown away by the gusty breezes that have stolen the last of the leaves from the trees.

Oh yes, I was poorly on Monday evening and Tuesday, I ended up sleeping lots. I had a very very dizzy head and had to keep taking tablets to ease the dizziness and the icky feelings it was causing.

On Wednesday despite how ill I'd been the day before, T went out to work, not just normal work but work over an hour away, so even if I needed him and called he wouldn't be able to get home to help anyway =  I was on my own. I ended up keeping Angel because of the weather but I got all the housework done and some extra cleaning, T told me to take it easy but I just didn't have that choice.

Thursday T went out to a show for work for a few hours and I was left with Angel on my own after a very disturbed night...again. (All three of us keep having nasty nightmares which are keeping us all up and when one of us goes to sleep, another gets woken up.

Friday (goodness that was only yesterday), we had planed to go to shopping in the morning to get a shop for the week, but T got called into work and I was very annoyed, I hate changes of plans, I was looking forward to going out for a while despite my anxiety about it and I was so livid that he had to go in. I was trying very hard to keep my cool though and try to not let it show for T or for Angel. I thought about going out to get the things on my own with Angel but the list kept growing so I decided that it might be best order online or go the following day all together in the car.

Friday morning me and Angel just went out for a walk to the post box and around the area for a while instead. I was mostly panic free though which was nice and I enjoyed just getting out for a while. The break in the nasty weather meant that we wanted to enjoy being outside even more and we played out in the street for a little bit afterwards.
The day wore on with T saying that it was a small incident and he shouldn't be long until he was saying he didn't know how ling he would be but he ran out of hours at 9.00pm. I did the food, dealt with a very tired Angel who really needed a sleep. She didn't want to eat which pressed my buttons because I kept thinking she was ill ill but in the end I kept my patience under control enough to get her fed enough and got her to sleep. I didn't really bother with food for me most of the day but Angel was cared for, the animals were cared for and the house was lovely and clean and tidied. T came home at half past 8, took a conference call for half an hour then disappeared with his book for another two hours  so needless to say I didn't see him and we didn't talk much.

Today to me was kinda special, I was looking forward to going to a particular place that T had promised we could go so I could research for my book. I had been waiting to go for days and was really really looking forward to it. We had another bad night where we all didn't sleep much again and then as soon as we got up I could hear T talking on the phone to work and I just knew what he was going to say. I postponed going downstairs, dragged my feet and took my time getting dressed but I knew I had to go down and face the day. Sure enough I was right and he told me as soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs that he had to go in again but it should only be for a few hours.
A few hours once again went on and on and on until he has just come home now. Angel didn't have a nap again and it was hard to get her to eat. I managed to cope barely, I have now just finished the housework which even though T was home didn't offer to do any of and I'm just livid and so so tired I just want to cry.

Kardi came around this afternoon which for some reason I forgot to tell T about, but Kardi helped with Angel, played with her, helped to keep me sane and calm and he even helped with putting the shopping away and a few household things.

Angel is still awake but in bed, she's talking and played despite being so tired her eyes are hurting her. T is sitting on the sofa only a few feet from me but since he got back we've barely exchanged 10 words and I don't have anything to say to him. I feel like I'm doing this alone so I've pushed him away, far away and I don't know how to let him back in or even that I want to. I mean I must want to but so often I'm forced to do it alone, why not just keep him at a distance so I can do it alone easier when I have to? I'm so angry with him, with me and with his fucking work. It's tearing our relationship apart, surely he can see that. It would be better for him to leave and claim benefits and us have to have basic food surely? Or no can I do this alone, if I walked away now, could I do this? I can't walk away just because of his work. It's odd because he dreamed about me walking away from him earlier in the week. Is it so bad to just want him in a reliable job, one that I knew the times of and I knew if need be he could come to me? Is it so bad to just want my weekend, to want the two days at the end of the week so I can have some time to do my work, to do things I want to do and to have a fucking rest?

Then my brain whispers, you don't deserve it anyway. Well maybe I don't but Angel deserves a mum that works and she deserves a dad that is here for our evening meal, our weekends and to pissing tuck her into bed at night, I don't think he even went into her room to see her last night and now he's sitting on the sofa playing on his fucking phone.

I'm going to shut up moaning now and go in the shower. I know that having eaten so little all day and been busy doing everything my blood sugar is low and I feel very weak, weak enough to cry while I finished the housework, pushed myself through the last hour to get all the jobs done so we can live in a nice clean house. Maybe I should just book a holiday, go away for a few days; not give him a choice. I wish I could but the guilt and the money stop me. My only hope is that I don't crash from exhaustion.

Shower and tears await, I hope to make a nicer, more calm entry soon.