Visitors

I wrote a blog entry on Wednesday evening, but I ended up deleting it after a few hours because of what I'd written, It wasn't so much suicidal as incriminating and I didn't want anyone to know that side of me.

Monday I took Angel to town, I was on a lorazapam and it was hard and she played me up a little so it wasn't the relaxing Yule shopping trip I'd hoped for and I came home frustrated.

I started the week with anger, anger at everything and everyone. I felt like I was losing grip with everything around me and by Wednesday I had done some pretty stupid and horrible things which affected Angel badly and had convinced myself that because I had done things that my mum used to do to me, that I'd mentally abused her. That I am mentally abusing her and I'm going to wreck her life. I wouldn't open up and tell T what was wrong but when I did it all came spilling out and the anger turned to depression. I didn't want to wake up the next day, I wanted to die. I went to bed early The following day T and I continued to talk about it and he went into work leaving me with Angel even though I wasn't sure about it. I ended up calling him to come home when I was in floods of tears and couldn't cope. He decided we should go to the doctors and see what they say, I would NEVER reach for professionals but I knew how bad I was feeling, how empty and grey and I knew it couldn't stay that way so we went. To make it even worse it wasn't a morning appointment, it was an evening one and that was scary but to combat the panic we looked around a shop first so I could calm the main part of the panic before the docs. The doctor said it sounds like postnatal depression and postnatal OCD but she can't officially diagnose it after the child is over a year old. She diagnosed me with depression and panic disorder and put my Flouxidine up and also referred me to a psychiatric. I also have an appointment to see a psychologist in a few weeks which I'm terrified of.

The next day I don't know what came over me but I felt in control and okay and on absolutely no meds I took Angel into town again and we looked around and had a much more successful trip, more relaxed and more fun and no meds, I was blown away, that's time I've been to the city center without any meds to get me there in 7 years! Both T and I were astounded but I think a big part of it was from the grey numbness that's inside me at the moment, it helped me erect walls to stay safe.

As for putting my meds up; I started the higher dose that very same night but by yesterday I was feeling very poorly and was unable to eat or stand up with the nausea and dizziness so I talked it through with T and his friend who is staying here and has a whole list of his own mental issues and we came to the conclusion that my Vit D has dropped so to up that and see if it helps and also to stop the extra dose of floux because it isn't a solution in the longrun, I will eventually probably in the spring have to come back down and go through the side affects again being one of them, so yes for now I'm on my usual dose and today I'm feeling a little better.

Last night was a difficult night, I took a sedative to sleep through the nausea but it didn't work! I ended up feeling panicky and poorly all night and fighting sleep, falling in and out of it. Today was a huge test for me to see how far I've come. Firstly me, T, Angel and M (T's friend) all got into the car, and I travel with no one extra usually, Major panicky situation! But I did it, with some nail marks in my hand. We looked around a few shops and Angel set off my anger at myself again by only wanting Daddy and actually pushing me away several times and crying. It broke my heart and when we got home I took my lunch upstairs to our bedroom to cry alone, lick my wounds. T asked me when I came back out if I have new scars, and I could truthfully say I was tempted but no, no self-harm even though there was direct access to tools. He told me he was proud of me and that I'm strong which made me feel a bit better.
In the afternoon the house filled up beyond how many people I've probably seen in it in total. There was me, T, M, Kardi, my sister P and my dad and Angel all in the same room. I was on no meds, no aconite and had no drink to hand, but I did it and I didn't really panic. Wow that's a long way to come, so now to shake this depression and this nasty hatred and anger. Or at least find a safe outlet for it. I guess it could come down to something as simple as I haven't been doing enough writing which is definitely one of my outlets for the bad stuff; I get to get lost in a fantasy world where I'm free and safe and can be who I want to be.
I really really wish I could get back to being the person I was a few weeks ago, that amazing mum, that brilliant wife and homemaker and that generally happy and braver and more confident person.