Awakening

I'm not where to start with this so I guess I'll just splurge it out and hope it makes sense.

First a quick recap. The last day I wrote was on Saturday, Sunday we didn't go out. Yesterday I wasn't sure about going out, I was having the problem where the weak afraid emet driven person was battling with the stronger more determined person and I went out with T and Angel for a walk. I kept going that little bit further, pushing it that bit more until I got to the post office where we were heading and then the confident self snapped into place and I was fine. I ate on the way home and not my usual picking the food out of my bag where it's hidden but actually holding the packet crisps in my hands properly, not hiding that I'm eating or what I'm eating. (I also danced around a scaffolding pole, and giggled in public). :/

My day started good today, it's my closest friends birthday and it just felt like a special day, like we were sharing it with her :) Angel and I didn't go out but my grandparents came round out of the blue after I'd had a staying in breakfast and hadn't even brushed my hair. I calmly opened the door and I couldn't have asked for a better behaved puppy or daughter, they both shone for me and I was incredibly proud. I didn't even get anxious let alone panic and then when they were about to go my grandma turned to Angel and said, "I hope father Christmas brings you lots of presents" Angel looked up at her and said "Father Christmas doesn't bring me presents, I celebrate Yule with Mummy and Daddy". My grandma looked taken aback and asked me what she'd said so I repeated it calmly and explained what she'd meant to much nodding from Angel. Proud turned to beaming and I stood up for what I believed in and didn't just smooth over or ignore the Merry Christmas's. They (especially Grandma) was understanding and even knew a few things about the Winter Solstice celebration.

Slight pause here, Puppy was just poorly, I knew it was going to happen as soon as I heard the noises but I bravely, unbothered or stupid, I didn't look away. At the time I looked after him while T dealt with it but now, well here comes the panic. ...

Hopefully I can write through some of it because I really want to get down what's happening. My family have managed to trigger me again. It starts with something small and petty and it grows and forces memories back inside my mind. My family yet again have been getting crapper and crapper, the visits from dad and P have dropped down to almost nothing and when they do visit they don't stay very long before dad is rushing off to see one of his latest girlfriends. When they do come, they're quiet, not talkative, not fussed about playing with Angel and generally it's just strained and awkward. Only back in the summer dad and P would come over, bring cakes or something nommy to eat and stay for hours, most of the afternoon. Dad has made promises he hasn't kept, about helping with fixing the house and decorating. He left getting Angel's Yule present until the last minute and they were all sold out, then tonight I find out that he's given the money to P so she can get it from the internet and get it delivered (this bloody late) probably so he doesn't have to come over again before Christmas. Not only did I find out that P is doing the last minute shopping and making sure she and dad are only spending the bare minimum on Angel and that they won't be delivered no where near in time, but also that she's not planning to come round until the weekend. On Saturday it's Yule and it's our family day, Sunday Ant's mum and dad are coming to visit for the day and we rarely get to see them. She knows both of those things and she sure as hell won't be coming when we already have plans. The only day she can come now to get Angel's present to her before Yule is on Friday afternoon, 1 the presents wont be delivered to her in time and 2, although she doesn't go to school in the afternoon, she never ever gets her lazy, self conceited arse over her under her own steam unless there is something in it for her.
I havn't heard from my nanny at all, apparently she asked M (the estranged mother) and P what Angel wanted and never bothered contacting me.

I rarely see my grandma and granddad but without fail they always give Angel a gift and a card but most importantly; a visit. The same goes for T's parents and most of his family.

So, with my families nice behavior dragging up lots of buried memories of my childhood, that rant brings me onto the scarier stuff. T has been contemplating, planning and plotting.

Plan 1, once his operations on his knees are over and he's okay again (if they work out right) he's going to make a career change. Over the space of about a year to a year and a half he will be doing a professional trade training course to train as a freelance plumber. Once he's qualified and working in his new job we will move up to Norfolk, and sell the house from afar, to be nearer his family and where is best for him and for Angel.

Plan 2, Is the house sells before that time, we move into the spare apartment/house attached to T's mum and dad's house and he'll do an intensive training course and once he's up and running as a plumber we'll get our new house.

So the overall outcome over the next 3 years unless T's knees aren't made substantially better by the op's, is for us to move to Norfolk, hundreds of miles away from my family and the only friend that lives near me.

Not only is the emet side of me terrified but I also don't want to allow them close to me, don't want them to see what I'm really like, what I put Angel and T through just by being the fucked up me that I am.

Everything is changing around me and I don't feel like I can hang on tonight. It doesn't help that I haven't slept for half a week again, but my world is changing and even if it's a good change, change is scary.