If I could have one wish today, I would wish to cry all my fears away.

Today has been awful.

I started the day with nightmares about an ex friend who lives very close to where I do so there is a big risk of bumping into her.

I didn't feel like going out and challenging my fears so I stayed in, I ate things I wanted to eat rather than what I should and the puppy wound me up all morning. Angel behaved okay and we spent a while playing on my computer and doing a craft activity. Lunch time came and Angel had started to get a bit moody which she always does (like me) when she's not eaten for a while. I made lunch and ended up losing half of mine to her and didn't bother making myself anything else. By the time lunch was over Angel was showing signs of being exhausted and was beginning to play up. I thought I'd let her just have some time to play with whatever she wanted which is what she usually prefers to do when she's tired. She got one thing out then another and another and didn't want to put them away after herself. She just couldn't settle on anything and I decided it might be best lay her down for a nap, I was so tired of telling her off and trying to reason with her. She stropped all the way up the stairs until my patience was even more thin, then  lay her in her cot and as usual explained to her that she didn't have to go to sleep, she just needed to have a little rest, she could tell Teddy and Monster all about what she'd been doing that morning, etc etc. I left the room and within a few minutes of me sitting down she was playing up again and I got annoyed but managed to keep calm and quieten her down, yet again explaining to her. I came out of her room to the smell of something nasty, I knew right away it was the puppy despite the fact that I'd only taken him outside for the toilet only minutes before. The kitchen was a state, it was everywhere and I got had to get down on my hands and knees and clean the whole floor with antibacterial spray while listening to Angel crying and creating on the monitor because I couldn't just leave it and go to her. By the time I'd cleaned up and everything was safe and hopefully germ free I needed to wash my hands even though I'd used gloves, so with plenty of soap, boiling water and the last few mins I washed them thoroughly then ran upstairs to Angel in fear that she was feeling poorly or something by the way she was going on.

I got in her bedroom to find that she wasn't hurting, feeling poorly or anything remotely important or life threatening, her blanket was simply a little disturbed and sitting wrong. I straightened it out and went into my bedroom in exhausted tears knowing exactly what I'd do.

No more than a minute later I was trying to stop the blood and calling T while beginning to shake violently and crying uncontrollably. He answered right away and dropped everything to come home to me even though I told him it wasn't life threatening I was just scared etc. Before he got home Angel started up again and I went into her and had to lift her with the wound to the loo and get her a drink before I put her in her cot again once more explaining as calmly as I could that she needed to get some rest. I left the room and the shaking and crying started again. T got home ten minutes later and stitched my wound and dressed it then took over with Angle for five minutes.

Unfortunately T had to go back out a short while later to the hospital to get the results of his MRI scan. We knew that either way the results would be bad but the worst was confirmed. He has very bad damage to both knees and they both need operations. He has to have the right one done first because that is the worse one and if he leaves that he will be crippled for life. He should be in and out the same day but each one will take about a month to heal which means that I will be in full charge of everything for that time and then after while he's having physio. Last time he went into hospital the same time last year (in Jan) he nearly didn't come out and I 'still' couldn't get myself to go in and be with him. He says that in some ways he prefers me being at home, that way her knows that me and Angel are safe and he has everything ready to come home to, whereas if I went he would be worrying about how I was coping, worrying about my phobias and panic and I'd have a lot to sort out when we got home to make the house comfortable for him. I think it's already a set thing that I most likely won't be going in with him. Now I need to get the strength over the next few weeks to deal with this a cope when what I really want to do right now is shut myself away and hide from everything.

Tonight I am going to panic, tonight, I will keep crying even though my eyes are red and painful. My head is thumping and my stomach is roiling in protest to everything. I don't want to wake up tomorrow, I don't want to see another day and for now that will have to do, I'm running on empty, I have nothing else to give.