Nothing right

I'd like to say that since my last blog entry things have improved but they are very much all over the place. I am still feeling very desperate and like self-harming but I feel like I have to keep it all hidden inside right now. Part of me wants to hand the knives over, stop the self-harming, show myself and everyone else that I have the strength to do it. But on the other hand its one thing that I enjoy doing, it costs nothing and it usually causes no lasting damage. If i decide that I'm going to stop then decide to start again then I will be even more of a failure, it's a huge commitment to make and I don't know that I'd ready to yet, I like doing it.

This time of the year everything is focused around family, how Christmas is all about family and getting together. The only family I have doesn't bother with me unless they have to. It's what I'm used to, it's who I am, I've always been the odd one out, the freak and solitary. There is T's family now but I can't stand seeing them this time of the year because of the extra germs and the extreme illness that happened a few years ago. I didn't want to see them at all, especially knowing that they have recently been ill but when T was in tears tonight because of how much he misses them and how much my family doesn't fill that gap I agreed that they could come visit for one day but just his mum and dad and on the Friday before Yule. He rang them and its turned out that his mum and dad aren't coming until the day after Yule, which is usually when I fall hard and the the following week his brother, sister-in-law and their kids are all coming. The only reason I'm allowing this is to make him happy and I won't tell him just how unhappy and anxious it makes me. I'll wait until he goes to be and cry.

Yesterday I spent most of the day doped up on ibuprofen which is the only pain killer I can take thanks to allergies etc I wasn't dying or anything like that, but it did feel like my stomach was being torn out through my bellybutton. Who would have thought something as simple as a period could cause such pain? The pains were so similar (although nowhere near as painful) as labor pains and it pressed a lot of buttons with me, leaving me in tears for most of the evening.The flashbacks were bad and the nausea caused by the physical pain and the mental pain was nasty. I ended up laying on the floor with a hot water bottle trying to work on a jigsaw.

Today I got up, showered and dosed myself up again so that I could go out. I wasn't keen on the idea being in pain but I felt like I needed to and I got in the car and we went. The first shop we went in I stayed in the car with Angel then the second shop, I was very nervous but I got out anyway. I forced myself to look round for the things I needed, I stayed in even though everything in me was telling me to go back. I pushed it all away and concentrated on what I was supposed to be looking for. After the pushing and forcing I calmed down and was able to stay calm enough to get the things I needed then eat a big lunch when we got home.
I spent the afternoon making the walls and chimney for the gingerbread house I'm making for Yule.

My sister and my dad came around, but it wasn't a great visit again; they barely talked or interacted with us and to be honest I don't know why they bother any more. Since P broke up with her boyfriend we've barely seen her at all and I can't deny that I feel used, all those times she stayed over just so she was nearer to town to meet him and barely spent any actual time with us. We always try to do so much for her, we're always there for her but like the rest of my family she only seems to want to know us when there is something in it for her.

I have something else that I'm bottling up that I want to have a good moan about but I'm afraid that I will upset people I actually care about so for now I'm keeping it to myself.

Tonight I just feel like I can't do anything right, I'm working my ass off to do everything in the house to make everyone happy, keep everyone fed and clean. T's knees still hurt though, he's still upset and in pain. I'm not going to be able to make Yule what it should be, It doesn't feel special like it should and I don't think it's going to. I just don't have it in to me to make festivity.