Doing it alone

After taking just a little lorazapam yesterday, last night i was totally wiped out and ended up falling asleep very early for me. I'd been fighting the tiredness all day and by half 9, I gave into it.

I have a hypnotherepy appointment booked in for the 5th March and I'm actually looking forward to it, I really think this could help me. Shes said that after the consultation if I'm comfortable with it I can have a session there and then, and more importantly she'll be coming round to my house so no extra stress from having to go out and being on meds to get there.

T and I also spent some of last night working out a plan of action for me to work to in terms of relaxation, dealing with panic attacks, desensitisation and goal setting. I really hope he helps me stick to it though, I know I dont have the self-belief to do this on my own. In the past we've started well and I started to get better but didnt recieve the constant reasurance and encouragment I needed to continue so gave up beucase of my lack of belief in myself and the world.

Speaking of which.... This morning my goal i set myself was to get up to the post box a few streets over to post a letter. I felt more nervous today, probably from not eating much all morning and from being groggy this morning. I sat on th step with Angel debating whether to go or not, with us in our coats and with my bag, deliberating and tesing how i felt just outside. I text T for some support, but he didnt reply.

I got Andgel up, held her hand, started my bridging up and went. We walked the long way round which looked a little queiter, i concentrated on the sounds of the birds, the feel of the sun on me, the warmth of Angel's had in mine, the sound of our footsteps. I had to work hard to block out a particularly triggering smell of teacakes which I remember my mum forcing me to eat when I was little, on Sundays which was always the most panicky and worse for food day. I got through it and we got to the post box. Then I decided I was okay and we carried on walking, the long way round to the park then through the park,looking at the birds and stopping to give Angel a drink. She then got tired and I carried her and we headed home but I managed it all under my own steam. No help or conatct with T.

Once I got home I opened all the windows in the house and cleaned lots, I think in an attempt to get the last of the Winter out of the house and bring in the Spring which is quite clearly is outside today. We had some music on for a change rather than children's TV and we just tidied. Now Angel has gone for her sleep, T has gone out to work and I'm hoping to have some coke and chocolate and do some writing.