Postives and negatives

I had a lovely sucessful weekend this weekend. Saturday was as I meantioned before, Sunday we went to pick up some bits and bobs for the house and some clothes for Angel then as I was feeling fine we also went into a pet shop to let Angel look at the animals. My blood sugar dropped a little as I hadnt eaten for a while (I can't eat very much if I'm going out or I am out and what I do eat has to be plain coloured and flavoured).
We decided to get some lunch, and instead of going through the Mc Donalds drive through T persuaded me I'd be okay to go in, we could buy food from the counter and see how i felt about staying. I decided I was feeling alright and we sat down at a table. I managed to eat some fries, a few nuggets and a little ice-cream, not a huge amount but I ate out. Mc Donalds isnt the height of eating out but it was the first time since before Angel was born that we've eaten out as a family. I was quite pleased with myself.

Yesterday (Monday) I took Angel out alone up the street to the post box, the only time I've ever taken her out walking alone. Then today we walked around the block and the last bit furtherst away from the house was difficult but I used my bridging and concentrated on Angel and pushed through. I was pleased I'd managed it especially as I'd gone out only expecting to play with Angel in the street and go no further than that, and I'd eaten what I consider non-safe food.

Then I got home and got an e-mail from the doctor saying he cant write me a prescrition for something I need for my teeth which triggered me, worse than I realised it would. It's made me feel I cant rely on or trust ay health professionals again, and it brought back memoreies and my fears of the dentist that I've been hiding from or dealing with im not sure which. Now I'm fighting the urge to make an excuse and go and hurt myself out of sight. Part of the problem is if i didnt want to self harm, as in if i wanted to stop, id have the incentive and drive to stop, but I dont want to stop, I seel self-harm as smoking or drinking, little bits dont harm its only when it gets out of hand and It isnt an addiction, I just enjoy it. I have no intention of stopping something I enjoy.

I realised recently that I have an issue with the word 'mum' and I much prefer Angel calling me mummy which is fine at the moment but when she gets older we'll have to come up with an alternative. 'Mum' almost feels like a curse word, mum = bad in my mind. It makes me feel disgusting.

I'd better stop going on and get some work done. If only my manic mood would come back, nothing could touch me then.

x